[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

Well, since I didn't come out till later in life, my story of when I knew I was femme is likely not the same as anyone else's, but that's ok with me. *grin*

I have ALWAYS known that the more butch-looking women were attractive to me, I ALWAYS noticed them (and hell yes, even fantasized about them!). But living as a het woman (and eventually as a "well, she must be bi" woman) before coming out in my 40s, I was able to fully embrace and acknowledge that attraction as what made ME hot.

My first gf after coming out was this adorable boi, who ended up as my sub. She was 13 yrs younger than me. VERY butch. When that relationship ended, my next gf was 9 yrs younger, and again VERY butch. In both cases, we just went with the whole "she is a butch and I am a femme" mindset. Both of these women had been out for many many years, and were very comfortable in their identity as butch women. THEY acknowledged my femme-ness, they related to me as a femme, as a counter-point to their butchness. I knew that I wasn't butch, couldn't or wouldn't be able to ID as a butch, so that must have meant I was a femme, right? Isn't that what it meant to be a femme, that I was turned on by and drawn to butch women? I appreciated the uniqueness of those women, and other butch women, even compared to other, perhaps more androgynous-looking lesbians.

But the question then remains, what about ME drew these butch women, appealed to them, and triggered that feeling of the ying to their yang? I mean, I am not one of those that takes hours to get ready (in fact, a couple of my past gf's always took longer that me to get ready!). I am much more comfortable in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and sneakers than skirt and heels. Will I wear a dress or skirt? Of course. Not likely to wear heels, as they are uncomfortable to ME, and I frankly prefer to be comfortable. Also the fact that I am 5'11", I have enough height. I cannot remember the last time I had a manicure, never have had a pedicure, I do like to wear eye make-up, but not usually lipstick.

OK, before everyone throws stuff at me, I KNOW the above paragraph is chock full of stupid stereotypes. However, in poking around BFP and other sites over the years, it seems like there are a lot of people who almost hold those stereotypes as the norm or litmus test of what makes a femme a femme. IE if a woman is to be considered a femme, she needs to look like _____. (fill in the blank)

So how do I know I am a femme, and how am I a counterpoint specifically to butch women? If I don't fit that stereotypical "look", can I still carry the Femme ID card? (you guys all know there IS a card, right?)

Obviously, imo, the essence of femme-ness FOR ME is not bought at a clothing store, or by having acrylic nails painted JUST so, or by how long it takes me to to get ready to leave the house on a date. It, FOR ME, is how I suddenly seem to feel 'softer' when I am around a butch woman. More feminine-FEELING (if not always looking). It is how my heart races just that little bit more. My body language may change a bit.

Do I think that those butch women that I am so attracted to are somehow 'better' or 'stronger' or more capable than me? Oh hell NO! (in fact, when I used to be in the BDSM lifestyle, my favorite 'toys' were bois/butch women! I was "The Ma'am", and I had ALL the power! Admittedly, as a switch, my favorite people to bottom to were butch Tops. Yummy!)

To me, as a femme, it comes down to an entirely internal identifying mechanism. I FEEL more feminine around butch women. Being feminine doesn't mean less than, incapability in any way, or even that as a femme, I MUST adopt a nurturing role with that butch. Altho, even though I do love to nurture and spoil, past gf's seem to have capitalized on that. Who doesn't want to be spoiled, right?

Well, nuff from me on this now. Great topic and thread.