[Random]

I am absolutly horrible at nurturing myself..

It's a nasty circle..

I feel guilty for taking/giving myself what I need to be a balance, healthy individual...

So I stop....

I get resentful of not having the things I need and I go into a state of inertia.

Depression, hopelessness, soon follow...

Pull myself up and out of depression by sheer will.. Take what I need for myself and then the cycle starts all over again...

I've always been an all or nothing kind of woman, balance is very hard for me... and the ways different parts of me need to be nurtured are so very different... I really do have a two distictly different sides... (No, not split personalities.. Just very much a gemini)

On one hand...

I need to provide a home for my family...

I need to take care of someone... (This is the part of me that I think of as a sterotypical 50's housewife... It really does give me soul satisfaction to have a clean house, fresh bread out of the oven, drink and slipper in hand for the head of my household to come home too..)

On the other hand...

What I need to be nurtured is Time...

Time to walk
Time to wander
Time to think
Time to process

I need to be by water... I need to listen to music that moves me to dance... I need to dance like a whirling dervish, I need to work in a garden, I need read good books and think about what I read...I need to play my drum and let it make my mind still.. I need to get my hands dirty in clay, I need to let my imagination take over and lose myself in a box, or a mirror, or what ever needs to be transformed...I need time before the sun comes up to think and process and fill my soul with the quiet...and then if I can be filled enough with these things... I need time to pick up my camera and show how I see the world, time to write what is in my heart, my soul..

Because the base of what I need is quality and quanity time alone.. (Not even a phone call or a txt message)The others build on this first step... If I don't do the first three, then I can't process what is going on inside of me, then I don't know who I am, If I don't know who I am, I can't let go of control enough to dance, or beat the drum.. If I can't let go of control, then I can't create, If I can't create then I can't feel my soul, If I can't feel my soul, then I can't find my quiet place, If I can't find my quiet place then I can't write, and I can't take pictures...

If I take what I need, then the guilt sets in.. It's almost impossible to be in a relationship when you need to be alone the majority of the time... When someone loves you, they sort of want to spend time with you...

Then there is the entire housewife vs artist thing... lol.. I've tried to combine the two. The flowers came out beautiful, but I burned the roast and blew up the challah... It's hard to focus on the outside world when you are lost in clay...

I have to find a way to balance the two.. The hole I just pulled myself out of was so dark and so deep, that I didn't think I was going to make it.. I've thought about SSRI's but taking a pill vs giving myself what I need? I'm resistant... It's like taking lactate so I can eat cheesecake, when my body says.. I don't like that...

If I don't figure out a way to balance the two, then I am going to end up choosing myself and leaving the best relationship that I have ever had...

I really don't wanna do that...