[CherylNYC]

This is an interesting discussion for me. I've had many PTSD symptoms from my earliest memories, but I never self identified as having this disorder. I used to have very obvious symptoms, but I became aware in my early 20s that I was freaking other people out with my 'thousand mile stare', for instance. And my obvious hyper vigilance, among other things. I worked super hard to control all the symptoms that another person might notice because I somehow thought that was the best way for me to move forward and function well.

I left my family early and broke off most contact, devised a plan to make my life work, and I stuck to it. I chose the seemingly most well socialized people I knew and I carefully watched what they did, and how they reacted in all life situations. Then I tried my best to mimic them. It was easy enough to train myself out of some of what I called my 'bad habits', but some behaviors were very well entrenched. Why wouldn't they be? They had saved my life at a time when I was endangered, so it felt/feels alarming to part with them. Like others here, my mother was a narcissist and my family was profoundly disfunctional. I survived several different forms of abuse. When I exploded out into the world as a teenager I had NO IDEA how to act right. Knowing that about myself was precious.

I didn't have many people in my childhood from whom I could model behaviour, so I worked like a dog to learn how to act right as a young adult. It's a LOT harder to get it right as an adult! It's like trying to learn another language. It comes naturally to us as kids, but it's rare to become fluent when you learn late. To this day I continue to look to others to model back to me whether or not I'm running off the rails. I really thought that was how to get 'er done. Even though it's supposed to be an autonomous response, I learned how to short circuit the 'thousand mile stare'. I learned how to talk myself down from anxiety spirals. I now understand that an exclusive behaviour modification approach was/is good for some things, but not so much for others.

Since I'm often making quick and accurate assessments of others in order to determine their suitability/safety for modeling behaviors, I find myself knowing things about them that they've never told me. Sometimes it's way too easy to read them. My closest friend has often found it stunning that I might know so much about people who haven't disclosed their history to me. One day that same very close friend said something to me about "Your PTSD symptoms..." Even though we were speaking on the phone at the time, I actually looked over both shoulders to see who she was talking about! And then it dawned on me that SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT ME!! She said it so matter-of-factly, like saying 'your calico cat'. Wow. It had never occurred to me to put myself in that category. Of course I had PTSD! How had it never crossed my mind? I can laugh at myself now, but it was an... interesting moment at the time.

I had sought therapy a few times over the years, but never found an effective one. As it happens, I was seeing a therapist when I had that revelatory conversation with my friend about PTSD. I told her about it and the therapist said that, yes, of course I had PTSD. Why had she never mentioned it? Because it was so freaking obvious that she thought it didn't need mentioning!!!

Well, now that that's all settled, I can see my own life in a clearer, more forgiving way. I'm grateful for the passage of time which really does blunt trauma. I still react strangely at times. I still get those symptoms, but everything is easier now that I'm so much further away from the experiences that traumatized me. This is going to stay with me until the end, I think. My life will never be easy the way it is for people without childhood traumas, but I'm in charge of myself and my reactions. I'm so much happier now.