May 10
THE 24 HOUR GOD
Matching a loving God to the horrors of my past has proved impossible for me. Projecting a connection to an all-powerful God of the ever-foreshortening future seems implausible. In today, I see a nurturing God. Not an all purpose God, not a God who serves all. In my life, there is a God I trust today. Each morning, when I wake, it is a pleasant surprise to find a God. Not an expansive God, not a God to fit the continuum, but a nice neat God who fits right in this 24.
Lift your fingers to your scars and feel the gratitude.
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Box-a-week Tao
I am going through so many changes
surrounding the cleaning out and getting rid of process.
The flat sided panic that I experience
while even attempting the smallest disposal seems impossible.
I would deny it if I didn't have the repetition
of this experiment to prove it as fact.
I have now moved into the part of the illness
where I compulsively clean the things that I have emptied
in order to avoid facing the next step, the next box, the next mess.
This is a two part trap:
Part 1. If cleaning can absorb all the time
I will not be able to do anything else.
Part 2. If I can't keep it clean enough
then I have an excuse to give up
and not empty the next space.
I am trying to keep moving without being mean to myself.
Because mean is worse than mess.
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