[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by sylvie

This post is an extremely hard post for me - & i couldn't find a thread on Eating Disorders, so thought i would make one.. i'm not one to start threads, but this is one i felt 'i' needed - and not sure if there are others here who could use this thread, but it would certainly be a huge help to me to share and have others share - because as strong as i feel some days - my everyday is a huge fight within, between temptations, my anger letting go of certain foods, practicing abstinence with the no-no's for me & mostly, trying to overcome the things of my past which serve as ways for me to break down emotionally - in other words trying to stop finding reasons to do this, and be a healthy, happier & more well balanced me..

i would like this thread to serve any kinds of Eating Disorders, not just ones like mine, because i've learned in my meetings, many feelings and are quite similar and i constantly learn & grow into a stronger me when i share and when others share with me.. The support & encouragement is much needed, at least for me..

A little about me: *takes a deep breath*

i'm on a journey to a healthier, happier me.. The hardest part of my journey so far has been admitting not only that i have an eating disorder, but that i needed some serious help.. Admitting it to myself has been a huge step in itself, but letting the people who care about me know was almost just as hard - because now i'm kept accountable. i have been formally diagnosed as a binger & purger (i was diagnosed as bulemic in my younger years) and stems from that, of course.. the first few years, i binged & purged however for many years after, it's been binging once my doctor found me out, with the occasional purging when my emotions get the best of me.

i have a lot of anger towards letting go of my food, binging (and purging) has been a source of comfort for me for years.. It was my peace of mind, when i had no control on anything else in my life, i could control that. Over the course of about 10 years, i have pushed family and friends out of my life, i stopped doing things for myself and i let my self esteem sink .. my weight gain has been a source of pain for me, and anytime i lost weight, i did so the unhealthy way - and it's very hard for me to wrap my head around letting go of foods and not eating emotionally and letting go of the anger within... it would be so much easier to starve myself, or purge what i eat and lose weight - but i'm learning the healthier thinking pattern and i know deep down this is stinkin' thinkin' and i need to work everyday at being a healthier me - it's now going to be a lifetime commitment.

i have been to counselling sessions, i have attended some various groups for stress, and coping - and i've even attended some OA meetings, online as well as offline.. i am working on sharing this side of myself, because for so many years i've been hidden, for SO many people in my life, even my own children and i have a lot of people in my life who care about me and love me, and i want to be healthy and extend my life - not dig my own grave.. i have so much to live for, and in saying all of this, i am admitting i need further help - sharing my daily struggles, my moments of weakness or celebrating my strengths.. (it's sooo important for me to find ways to really celebrate my strengths these days)

i often post in the Healthy Weight thread, and feel GREAT when doing so.. i get so much motivation there about staying on track and healthy tips etc.. But this, is a motivation i need of a different kind and i know that thread isn't about Eating Disorders and getting help.. i have contemplated starting this thread for awhile now, but i'm shy, and admitting this truth of mine is difficult.. But the more i do, and the more resources i have for help, the better for me (and possibly anyone else who struggles also)..

If there was anyone else who wanted to share, or post here i'd be so appreciative.. But if not, i could certainly use the thread to get my own thoughts and struggles out.. Everyday is something it seems, and i'm so tired of beating myself up.. i need to seek help, i AM seeking help... Even if its just getting this out to the Universe - it's something a little more than the venues i have right now...

((((((Sylvie))))))

It takes a lot of courage to talk about things that are so very personal and i am so proud of you for sharing your story.

I was once anorexic. I was in my early 20s had a baby, a really bad life, was gay and in a bio marriage to a "not so nice" person. I would go days and not eat. I got down to 50 pounds under my ideal weight. It wasn't a body image problem. It was a "i hate my life" problem and this was the only thing i knew i could control. And, oh i did. My family and my friends were constantly begging me to eat, it made me more determined not to. The days of not eating grew longer and then i went almost a week. Finally, i was admitted into the hospital. I was so runned down and so frail and weak. The docs were going to start tube feedings but i refused.

I'm still not sure what happened. But, one night i was laying in St. Mary's hospital bed and a nun walked in. She saw me crying and she sat with me for hours and helped me see that life is what you make of it. She reminded me of that little baby i had at home that was totally dependent on me. That i had good parents who loved me and were there for me. I was being selfish. It clicked. I was lucky.

To this day i'm sure she doesn't realize she saved my life. Sometimes it takes a light bulb moment or a friend to touch your heart in a way that just works. But, the eating disorder doesn't ever fully go away and it is always a struggle...i believe that anyway. I still have to be careful to eat sometimes. But, i don't do this on purpose any longer and i certainly, by any sense of the imagination, have an underweight problem. But, food taken or not taken is a controlling power that is easily used and abused when we hurt deeply. I feel for you honey. I am so happy you are making good choices about yourself.

I am proud of you. I am proud of me. You are right, it is wonderful to get that positive energy flowing and i feel that from you.