[sylvie]

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i'll put my response in white as well, because while i know my own triggers, i don't know what could be considered triggers for others, and i really, really appreciate you doing that so i could be mindful of this and do it myself (and will use in the future too when talking of my own triggers..i'm learning everyday, and thankful for this thread for that reason.. This is all so new to me still and i hardly understand my own triggers and journey.. i do gain a new understanding everyday though and it's due to things like this thread, and people who share with me.. Thank you!♥

It *is* miserable... It's very hard not to get caught up in it that way, for me i obsess the calorie intake as well as my weigh ins... As for my weigh ins, i just simply cannot have a weight scale.. if i did, i would weigh myself not just daily but every moment through the day it crossed my mind.. (before i put food in my mouth and after i put food in my mouth.. thinking of putting food in my mouth, etc..) i weigh in once a week at work, the one who has the scale won't let me near her office until the following week...

Right now, while being on a weight loss journey as well, i need to keep a calorie intake to be sure i am making my calories, because i tend to want to eat less and less, because in my mind the less calories i take in, the easier it is to lose weight.. But, separating the healthy calorie intake from the obsessive, is difficult...i definitely rely on my tools each day to do this..In reality, i am setting myself up to binge later on in the day if i'm not eating appropriate well balanced meals & taking in at least 1200 calories a day.. Knowing that 1200 is the lowest i should go, some days i don't quite make 1200, but others, i am very obsessive about keeping it as low as possible, and goodness if i touch a lil over 1300 calories, sigh. i get easily frustrated with the amount of calories i have to eat, so i have this inner argument with myself everyday.. i keep using my tools each day which help me struggle through this.. i even get angry over food at times when i am putting food into me and don't want to.. Other days, i want to so much and get angry because i know it'll put me over in my calories..

Realistically, i could eat even 1500-1600 calories, and when i was binging i was taking in well over 3000+ calories a day... i could cry looking at that number, but instead i'm obsessively counting the calories each day.. so i share in what you said, and do understand.. i found myself nodding while reading your post...& if i didn't have a circle of support right now the way i do, i know i would be doing something similar and purging even, probably.. These last few weeks i've had some incidents, and went to the doctor .. i know i could easily go back to what i was doing, even after all the work i've done.. i hate that everyday is a struggle to keep myself on track and that binging & purging comes so easily to me.. i know this isn't right - but i'm still also very protective of it all and hate letting it go... small steps i gather..

Thank you for sharing, once again i know the difficulties in sharing..and am so appreciative that we have this thread & that you all do it, whether here in the thread or privately ..i am so very grateful, because the support and knowledge are so important to me, as i'm sure with all of you.. So i really, sincerely thank you..Everyday, i'm learning..

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