[sylvie]

Last night, i attended an OA meeting online..
i find this a useful tool for me, because the OA meetings here in Saint John are only on Monday nights and Saturday mornings, which is when i almost always work..
It is nice to know i have something i can depend on when necessary in the comfort of my home..but i need to learn to USE it more, even on days i feel strong, to help me build strength to overcome the challenges coming to me ..

The online meetings are daily, and every 3 hours, so it's always convenient to find a time to go.. Last night, however, was the first time i was taking something negative from the meeting.. And i managed to get ahold of my own thoughts and removed myself from the meeting, recognizing that it's NOT what i can and will be doing to myself anymore - and so it was a nice feeling to have that bit of control - i felt good that i felt strong enough to overcome those bad feelings .. (celebrating my success at any level is important)

Practicing abstinence is one of the most difficult things i've had to do, especially with 2 teenagers who forget what i go through and bring no-no foods into my safe zone.. It takes every bit of strength i have in me to walk away or not obsess how much i want a taste too...i feel weak and want to be strong enough to handle being around people and the food they choose to eat, and not obsess it.. Not going places with certain friends such as restaurants or get-togethers, because they refuse to understand the battle i have each day and still wave temptation under my nose as a means to drive me crazy.. One of those people being my father, who will deliberately bring something into my house without my realizing, and then eat or drink it smacking his lips and saying mmmm, don't you wish you could have some too? It's simply not nice, and i know i have to be vocal about him NOT doing that, not in my home - it will no longer be tolerated.. (but i just wish i had the strength to NOT let these things bother me anymore, sigh) ... one day, hopefully!

As a binger, prior to getting help, there were many instances i would grab something and hide someplace and stuff it in my mouth, whether hungry or not..At home, my safe zone "then" was having the ability to get as much junkfood, or piling my portions on my plate at mealtimes as high as i wanted to, and eating until my body couldn't handle anymore.. The amounts of food i stuffed into me every single day is alarming, and downright embarrassing..

i try to think of these things, to help me gain strength to be a better and healthier me today..