[Gráinne]

Well, I know exactly what I don't want.

When my oldest brother died in Illinois, his widow never thought to call me or his daughters from his previous marriage-we all had to find out secondhand, then drive like a maniac (thank God it was only a six hour drive from Arkansas) to reach the funeral on time. The daughters drove from the opposite direction, from Minnesota.

The funeral-there he was, in his open coffin (not commonly done in my family), and it was a shock as my kids had never seen that before. Then canned hymns and words from the ancient funeral director, who hadn't known him well. My brother died of a heart attack in his own kitchen, and the director made note that he "was in Jesus's arms before he hit the floor". With the shock and grief, I nearly burst out laughing but it came out a sob. Same with his daughters, next to me.

Then the widow had him buried in Chicago, which is an inconvenient place to "visit" him, as there's no family there. I don't know why he's there, except maybe that was his wife's home. Yeah, you could say I was bitter for a long while after that.

When my middle brother died, he had the full military funeral at Arlington National Cemetery. He had been divorced from my sister-in-law for twenty years, but they remained very close. She and my nephews arranged the funeral, making sure everyone approved, then arranged a reception at a hotel afterwards. It was so "him", I bawled.

My parents did the same thing as Ciaran's parents, but they were cremated and are in a niche together. They didn't want the children to have to go to that expense while in shock. Both of them had included how they wanted their memorial service to go in their wills. I gave a eulogy for my father.

As for me-I've been thinking of this too. The catch is that I don't see myself living in America after about 5-6 years. My children will be grown by then, and I've long known that even though I am from here, I'm not of here. I live here, but I'm not home.

It was my thought that my children and their families hold a memorial service in the States. I will have a suggested playlist in my final papers, with not a sad hymn in sight. It will at least include Led Zepplin's "Over The Hills and Far Away", some Van Morrison, and a favorite Warren Zevon song. Perhaps some other selections that show my absolute lack of good taste and dark sense of humor. I want laughter. If there's an insistence on a reading, then Isaiah 55:12.

Then I will be cremated, and my children bring me back to a place I haven't found yet, to be scattered. I don't know all the legalities of this, but it will be long arranged ahead of time (I hope).

I understand a type of "diaspora", in a sense. American society is very mobile, and most of my family has moved far from our home state. Thus, my family is buried in Chicago, Washington D.C., Wisconsin, and Ohio. Further generations back are also all over the place. It's a further issue when your home country isn't even "home".