[AishasWrath]

Newbie here, going by Aisha. I'm kind of non-gendered but I consider myself stone butch. Have been living as male for a while, but I'm having my doubts as to whether that completely fits. I prefer not to think about my birth assignment, but for what it's worth I am soon to undergo phalloplasty and I am very much looking forward to it.

The biggest question/point of confusion-and-much angst I have is the parts of calling myself stone that don't fit. I am bisexual (which people have said disqualifies me from being stone butch. I don't think it does.) Also, and this is the part I get judged harshly on--I don't get anything out of another person's pleasure. I refuse to be touched or penetrated because *I* don't like it, and I have to be the person who does all the touching/penetrating *because that is what pleases me.* I've been like that for...a while. I think it's intrinsic. Doesn't mean I can't love other people or that I'm inconsiderate to others' feelings, I just am how I am.

I've been through a lot of abusive psychiatry where my my gender and sexual preferences were used against me, and dated a lot of rotten eggs in the following attempt to normalize myself, and it's still a thing I tend to lose sleep over, so participating in a community of people who are similar in this regard seems like a good idea for not getting down on myself so much, even if it's listening/reading other people's posts.

I'm in this weird "twilight zone" where I look masculine for a woman and slightly feminine for a man, and I like that. Ideally I would look younger and grow my hair out longer so I can rock the greased-back ponytail, ah well, I'm working on it.