[ClintB]

I think in an ideal world we would all understand labels to mean the same things, and we would all know what labels to give ourselves.

But for me this is not the case. I seem to get lost in every divide set out before me. And thus it is the same with the word stone.

I generally avoid this word to describe myself, for all the reasons stated above. The truth is, I don't really know if I am stone or not, for a variety of very complex reasons that have to do with a mix of identity and sexual history. im afraid if I tell partners I'm stone, they will expect something that I may not end up being. Im afraid if I tell them I'm not stone then they will violate boundaries in ways that are very real and hurtful. I am still trying to grapple and heal from an ex who though she could show me a good time and "fix" me... it was aweful, embarrassing, and scarring. It darn near may qualify as assault, but in the end I went along with it out of guilt.

But there is this idea in my head that with the right partner, I could enjoy touch again (it was a while ago, but I have had enjoyable experiences). I look at new partners and think she may be the one. But if there is one thing I have learned, it's that it's my body who is in the drivers seat, not me. I cannot will my body to enjoy things out of sheer will.

And I know what comes with that label. There are mainly two groups of women: those that understand, and those that think you are something to break or conquer. And the second group is much much larger.