[undone]

When I first came out and began a relationship and trying to figure out how meet, relate, god help me to date other women was a force to be reckoned with for me. (mind you thins is after having been married way to young, to an obstinate, macho man, and living in a very small town where the folks I knew were not so inclusive.) I did not know where or who to turn to once I got my head space and really knew for certain. My friends did not/could not understand so I took to the web (that was still really new to me since my ex husband felt like I would some how break such a precious machine by looking at it. I think he just did not like that I was faster at learning it than he was and could find things like the history button and see what he did on the nights I was the closing manager)

Sorry back to the topic… I went through my own issues of trying to figure out how I fit and trying to make new friends that I could relate to easier than my old ones or better who would relate to me with out feeling like I was something so different. I was semi professional in my regular dress and always feminine and felt absolutely invisible to every one. I was new at this but it was not something I was unsure about when I came to the life I wanted. I knew and wanted every one else to know also!!! I didn’t care who, but if I ever tried to go some where with out my girlfriend at the time I was seriously shut out. From younger girls bois women blocking my way in to a club, or what the hell looks from some one when I finally pushed through to get inside that I would try to talk to even just a little. As a painfully shy woman this pained me horribly.

To the dismay of my partner at the time I started changing the way I dressed outside of work because I hated feeling like I was an outcast and did not belong, maybe that would be enough to let me get my foot in the door? Of course that was foolish of me and I eventually came to realize that I am who I am and love skirts and dresses and like being girly even though I tend to be rougher and tougher than the women I have dated or known.

I never took to the label of lesbian but I love the term queer and gay, lesbian to my mind and perception is so defined and some what excluding , but queer and gay well I love that it includes ever one of us. And not because I want to be a part of a majority or some silly thing like that but because we all have some way a similar experience, another trying to lesson us because of the way our hearts souls and minds are geared towards something intimate, personal, and privet .

I suppose that my point is I think at least for my self and maybe for some that realize, come to terms with, or just learn to acknowledge that we are more drawn to a woman sexually latter in life, That we might go through a second hopefully much shorter and hopefully more intelligent version of pubescence in learning our selves our strengths and learning to trust ourselves to know our own self.

Boy I hope I make some sense here, it's been a very long day but I felt like I had something I wanted to share I just hope I wrote it the way I intend for it to be read and understood.