Originally Posted by oblivia
When Sparx and I got together, She'd been doing the single mom thing since the boys were 3 and 4 respectively. They were, then, 12 & 13 ... oh.. and both gifted. These were uber-intelligent boys. They were (and still are) smarter than Sparx and I. So it was scary stuff. I was TERRIFIED.
Coming into their lives just when they were entering the most tumultuous, confusing, conflicting, craziest years of their whole lives? And... they're smarter than me? AND... they've had their mom all to themselves for basically their entire lives? WAS I INSANE?
Thankfully, no, I wasn't.
For starters, there were several things working in my favour...most importantly - Sparx had been doing an AWESOME job raising them.
She had raised them with a very open-door policy and also raised them to have a great deal of agency and say in their lives and what happens in them. Because she was a single mom in a small town with few resources, she raised them with honesty, and respect. She had a few very hardcore parenting rules that she told me about up front - and I thought they were all fantastic. The fact that the boys were so well mannered, mature, and respected her so much were testament to the fact hat they worked.. so I followed her rules and learned a LOT about what "healthy parenting" could look like (having a very poor example from my own childhood... I needed to defer to someone who had a better outlook).
I came into this whole step-parenting thing ready and eager to learn from someone with a better idea of parenting than how I'd been raised - so I was content to be a bit of a follower - and it paid off big time. In return, Sparx made it very clear that I was a co-parent... not less than... and had equally valid input into all parenting decisions. We had a LOT of trust going into this.
So here are the rules, or more accurately the parenting "principles" she swore by.
First, if the boys ask "Why?" when we tell them to do something, they ALWAYS get an answer. Sometimes the answer might be "I am really not up to talking about it right now but I will later". But the answer is NEVER "because I said so". And Sparx expects anyone who is a part of their lives to respect this (family, friends, babysitters etc)
This was totally foreign to me. It wasn't how I was raised. And sometimes this was frustrating because sometimes.. you just wanna say "because I said so". I had to learn that sometimes I have to say "I'm frustrated and will end up sounding angry if I talk about it right now, so let's talk about it later" (or some version of that) - but usually once I explain, they understood and it was easier to get them to do what I needed them to do. AND... maybe more importantly... sometimes... when I explained, they were able to provide a convincing and mature rebuttal for why they couldn't do what I asked or would rather do something else and sometimes I would discover my request was unreasonable - or needed tweaking - and that was okay. So our respect for each other grew a LOT through my learning to accept that they were people and deserved an explanation when they wanted one. And to their credit - they RARELY 'demanded' one.. they almost always asked in a genuinely curious and/or polite way.
Second, We do not lie to them. Period. The only allowable exception is the good kind, or removing extranneous or non-age-appropriate details that are inappropriate, but They are always to be told the truth to the best of our ability (within the limits of what they could understand). By the time I came around they were old enough that that was pretty much the whole truth.
She told me that when they came together and confronted her (sadly, at a very young age) and told her that they'd been talking it over and had figured out that she was Santa... and the Easter Bunny... and the Tooth Fairy... she admitted they were right. And while it took some of the fun away for HER, they were so proud of themselves for having figured it out - and she wouldn't lie to them... but she did explain to them that it would make it not fun for other kids if they shared the secret, so they felt very important and responsible by "protecting" the secret when it came to their friends (and younger kids).
To date, the complete honesty that we share with them, makes it easier for them to be honest with us. They're teens now, they have secrets... and the youngest REALLY didn't like us being on him about his schoolwork and went through a few years of lying to get us off his back - but he is a terrible liar - we knew he was lying... he knew we knew he was lying... so there was some mutual frustration... but we were able to work through and get past it.
Third, ALWAYS be willing to admit when you're wrong, and apologize to them if you've behaved badly, lashed out inappropriately or otherwise screwed up.
This is... also huge. So many parents think that they can't or shouldn't apologize to their kids. If I've made a bad decision, or Sparx has or we've snapped at them undeservedly or whatever and we come to them later and say "hey, sorry about that, that was uncalled for", they respect us so much more... and it makes it easier for them to apologize when it's their turn. I was not raised this way. I was the only one in my family (and I mean that quite literally) who had to apologize for anything, ever. Not cool.
Fourth, Involve them in decisions that affect them!! Always give them input and take it into account. Children are people too and they sometimes have remarkable insight into a situation.
This meant that they got input into EVERY decision that affected them... including when it was time to let certain people in their lives (extended family members) go because the relationships had gotten unhealthy. They had full say on the matter, even when they were younger than ten.
Another example....
If she couldn't afford to get them something they wanted and she would have liked to - she owns it, and has since they were very young. The result of this particular one is SO noticeable because they truly are not superficial as a result. They were not "poor" growing up, but they certainly had very little money.
She told me that sometimes she would give them choices when it came to big purchases. For example, when it came time to pick out birthday or christmas gifts, she said they could have a new video game, but only one because that was all she could afford *OR* they could have two or three USED video games. They always picked used, and they felt important being a part of the decision making - and it shows today. They are not hung up on whether stuff is new and shiney and they always appreciate the things they do have - and they never whine/beg/bug for things they know we can't afford... they really understand and appreciate the financial decisions we make day to day - this is HUGE.
I can not describe in words how important this was. The boys really get what it means to make choices based on capabilities. When money is tight and they were growing fast, they got new jeans or coats from the thrift store and didn't care... in fact... our youngest's current coat was a thrift store find and he LOVES that coat... loves it. A workman's jacket with a removable inner lining. He raves about it and appreciates it more because he knows we would never have been able to afford to buy him that kind of coat brand new at the time.
Now that they're almost adults, it feels good knowing that they understand how to live well, and happily, with less. They don't care about new vs. used, or name brands vs. generic. The eldest is more social/popular and trendier but still scoffs at designer label prices and finds ways to get his "look" without spending more than he thinks is realistic. I know that when they finally go out on their own - they'll be able to manage their finances without hardship.
And it's not just about money. If we have to make hard decisions, they're a part of those decisions. They never have to worry that we will just dramatically change their lives without their input. As a result they feel safe and secure. If we're even THINKING about moving.... or making a big financial decision.. we bring them in on it. We discuss and work through things as a family.
Fifth, Own your headspace. Be self-aware.
This means that if you come home grumpy because work sucked, you admit right up front that's what you're feeling... take responsibility for it... so if you end up snappier than you intended or accidentally take something out on the kids (er.. or the wife *blush*) they know it's not personal and it becomes a LOT easier to deal with. This one was super-ginormous for me. It taught me to be more self-aware of my moods, headspace, and the way these things affected the people around me. I appreciated when the boys were able to say to me "Yeah, in a bad mood so gonna hang out in my room" because they had learned how from their mother. I appreciated when Sparx would tell me up front when she was grouchy so I knew not to take it personal. So it was with gratitude that I learned to do this for them as well.
Not only did this do WONDERS for my relationship with the boys (now man-children), but it did wonders for me learning how to have a healthy and fulfilling marriage.
Anyways - I've been writing forever. I just feel like this was a HUGE learning curve for me and I feel so grateful. I got lucky in a lot of ways. The boys were being raised well. Their biological father had been out of their lives since they were very small.. there was no other parent for me to deal with. They took me seriously because Sparx had not brought any other woman into their lives as other than a friend before me. And most importantly - she consulted them before our relationship could get off the ground. She asked their opinion the whole way through. She wanted them to know they were a part of the decision to let me in. And she told me this up front - because she trusted them to be mature about this responsibility even at 12&13. They wanted me in their lives. If they hadn't, Sparx and I may never have taken the next step in our relationship. They came first. I knew that from the beginning.
But they did wantme... and so Sparx and her boys moved from Ontario, 3,000 miles away, to Vancouver, BC - a place they'd never been before, so that we could all make our home here together. I moved from the Puget Sound in Washington. We all had to trust each other a whole lot and communicate even more to make our little family and such a big move for all of us, work. And so we did.
There's been a lot of challenges... but as cliche as it is - a lot of communication was the key to making it all work.
And I have to say, being a step-parent has been one of the greatest gifts of my life.
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