[Bit]

I have hated abusive exes of my partners, and abusive parents; I have hated abusers of others I care about. But for me, even the abusive partners I've had, even my own abusive family members? No. Once I love, I cannot hate. Once I love, I cannot stop loving.

Deep shattering pain that keeps me broken for months is the result of that inability to stop loving. The pain comes because I can't stop loving even when I want to; because I gave my all and was treated badly; because I still belong heart and soul to someone who has rejected me.... for whatever reason it comes, it rules my life until I recover, and during that time, I cannot deal with the person who caused it.

Full recovery can take years if I judge it by the time it takes until I can speak to an ex again, although it might only be a matter of months before I'm recovered enough to love someone else. One of the things I most treasure about Gryph is that far from being threatened by the love I still hold for my exes, he understands and makes safe space for my whole heart, including all the broken parts of it (with the ones they still love). He understands that none of them can mean as much to me as he does. He also understands that I cannot handle being around them or speaking to them, and he does his best to protect me.

Some people might think that I hold a grudge, but it isn't that I hate them or wish them any kind of harm (which, yanno, is kinda required for it to be a grudge); it's that I'm raw inside, like deep burn scars that take years to heal, and any contact abrades the scars again and again.

When Femme friends have come to me and asked about my exes, I have done my best to be honest. If the ex was abusive in any way, I have said so. If not, I have done my best to be objective and kind. In any case, I've made it plain that I am biased by the heartbreak.

Luckily, no one who is a close friend has gotten into a romance with any of my exes where I would have been forced to face it on a daily basis. It would be just awful having to walk away from a close friend, but yanno... those continually abraded scars would demand it.

It's interesting that this pattern took hold in my life after I discovered Daddy/girl relationships, and allowed myself to be open and free as a girl instead of stifling that part of myself. It freed me to love more and more deeply with each relationship.......... and that means I hurt more and more deeply with the breaking of each relationship. Vulnerability, this ability to bond so tightly, to give everything I am, carries a huge price in my life. I suppose that people probably find the same ability in most kink-type relationships? I don't know; I only know that it developed in my life along with my girl-self, and that finding a partner who understands and accepts it has been crucial for me.

The path to finding that partner, well, the stops along it were the partners who either didn't understand or refused to accept.... can't hate them, but I still have to protect myself and those badly abraded scars, even if it would mean walking away from a Femme friend who entered a relationship with one of my exes.