Quote:
Originally Posted by Femminator
I forwarded this site to my Butch as she is currently on a journey to decide if she is more feminine or masculine of center. She needs to have support of other Butches to help her I think. So, my question follows:
Is it common for Butch to be a life long journey along the spectrum? By this I mean, is it common for you to question yourself if you are Butch enough, how you present, how you act, how Femmes see you? I have been with mine for over a decade now and it has been only lately that she is questioning herself excessively. I don't care HOW she presents personally, I love her. Is it harder for older Butches? We are in our 40's.
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I don't know if it is common but I have questioned if I am butch enough at some moments in time and i have also questioned if i was too butch. Mostly it was when I was younger and it was usually in response to someone else's questions or remarks about my butchness.
I had a partner who thought I was less butch later in the relationship than I was initially. I didn't see it, nor did I agree with her assessment, but she was certainly entitled to her opinion. I didn't feel less butch. But one cannot change another's perception. I questioned myself because of what she said, but I didn't feel any change so I was able to let it go. I don't like to dismiss other people's feelings but sometimes their feelings are based on something that really has nothing to do with you, even though they are looking at you as the cause of their dissatisfaction. In this case the partner ended up leaving me for a man, so I guess compared to a man I didn't present masculine enough. And that's fine with me.
I have also had a partner who thought I could/should tone down my masculinity. I didn't even get how that could even be possible for me to do. I feel like if you are not comfortable with your partner's gender presentation perhaps you need a different partner. It would probably be easier than trying to get someone to change who they are. That never ends well for anyone.
But I don't think I can remember just waking up in the morning, yawning, stretching, and then questioning my butchness or lack there of. I am the same butch I always was. I did however question how I acted, how I presented at times. This was an issue for me as I struggled to live comfortably as a masculine woman and as a feminist. My relationship with masculinity has always been difficult. I don't trust male and by extension masculine. We do live in a patriarchy so being suspicious of men/male/masculine just comes with the territory for many women. Masculinity comes with a certain amount of privilege even couched in a female package. Albeit there are challenges that a masculine woman faces daily as well as oppression for being female, gay and masculine presenting, but there is also privilege for the masculine part. Which is pretty confusing because there is also aggression and hostility for the masculine part because it is in a female package. It's enough to make your head spin.
But I did at times try to reign in my masculine side because of how I saw masculinity. It didn't work very well. I always ended up not feeling good about trying to deny who I was. I did finally come to terms with myself as a masculine female. Interestingly enough though, I never tried to encourage myself to stretch for more masculinity. It wouldn't have mattered though, it would never work out comfortably either way. I don't think one can force oneself to be more or less masculine or more or less feminine than one is. So if your butch is trying to decide if she is more feminine or masculine of center (what is center by the way? androgyny?) perhaps it would help her to just sit with her feelings and see who she is when she is all alone with herself.
Anyway I think any insecurity I feel regarding being butch comes from other people not from me. Inside me I am butch and comfortable with it. Outside interference causes questioning for me. Not so much anymore but I had to work it all out first before I was able to not respond to other's judgments. Perhaps she just needs to get to that point where she is comfortable in her skin and other people can't rock her with comments and judgments. Or do you think she is questioning whether she feels like she is butch or not? Because that is something different.