Eons ago, when I was first testing the waters of gay life, I was attracted to that butch energy.I kept finding myself attracted to women who had that "masculine" edge. Then I discovered that a few of the women i liked, felt oppressed by people who found them to be masculine. I didn't understand why they wore men's clothes and sported men's haircuts if they didn't want people to think they were masculine. But I liked/loved them, so I didn't want to say or do anything that added to their feelings of oppression.(But in my secret heart I was still attracted to that energy!)
As time went by I began to meet folks who LIKED being butch and that was a time for me of feeling really comfortable in my world. I had a pretty butch spouse and lots pretty butch (and femme) friends. I felt "normal" not "in the closet" as I had felt with my more andro lesbian friends.
Then my darling decided to transition, and one by one most of those pretty butch friends decided to transition as well. "WTF!" I thought to myself, "Is there really is no such thing as a butch? - are they all just guys waiting for the right time to become who they were born to be?" Or maybe they won't actually transition because the available surgery isn't that great?" A very confusing time for me.
Then one day, a few years before hubby died, I was having a very lonely night. A night where I was feeling really strongly that while I had kept my darling by staying with him (and very much wanting to stay with him) during and after his transition, that I had lost myself. Was I still a femme? Was I still gay? Anyway, I was sitting by my computer, and I typed the word "femme" into the search bar and found b-f. What a rush! There were still people out there like me. There was a place where we were welcome. And wonder of wonder - there really were butches still alive out there. I felt so happy! But then I felt guilty because I felt drawn back to a place where hubby (I thought ) could no longer go. I didn't stick around long enough to find out that trans folk were welcome too. I didn't find that out till several years later when I returned after hubby died.
Well, I just can't seem to do a short post, but thanks for starting this thread. I don't have any questions right now, but I have a lot of love for people of butch persuasion, LOL, and I want to hear what y'all have to say.
Smooches,
Keri
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