[Gemme]

While I don't think this is going to be a popular thread, per se, I think it's an important one to have available to those who may need it. This is a safe space to discuss sexual abuse in all its forms as well as the coping skills we've adapted to survive it and the recovery process in general.

I'll begin, although many know my story.

I was molested by my 14 year old male cousin just before Christmas when I was 5. It was a one time event but changed my relationship with my mother significantly.

At 5, I realized that she would not be able to handle it and so I made the decision to keep the information from her. In that moment, I became the parent. For those who do not know, my mother was paranoid schizophrenic. There were many times in my life that I would actively take on the role of parent....the responsible one....the one who got the things that needed to be done, done, and this is the catalyst that began it all.

Without going into my whole family history, I was in the system for about a year and a half, getting out when I was almost 9. The reason my mother was able to get custody of me again was because she was taking her meds and was married to a 'stable' man.

Yeah.

During the next 10 years, this individual manipulated both my mother and I in the most horrible ways. He managed to talk his way into making a pact with me, that I would replace my mother in the wifely duties department in exchange for him not sending her back to the looney bin. His words. Nice guy, huh?

Of course this eventually developed into a deep resentment of and towards my mother, but that's pretty moot at this point.

During my 'training' in the art of pleasing men, many things happened. One, I developed a permanent medical issue that affects the way I physically respond to my partner. Two, I have several emotional issues that I deal with off and on, such as disassociation, raging, triggering, and shutting down.

I've never had professional help, such as therapy, but it's not because I haven't seen or desired the benefits of it. I just have not been able to afford that type of care. What I have done is research, in books, videos, and online. I've talked with close friends and my partners when I felt it was safe to do so. Talking....sharing....helps. When I am left to my own devices, I shrink into myself and sometimes that is a very small, dark place.

I know that the abuse wasn't my fault, though I dealt with guilt in various forms for a very long time before I was pretty much able to put it to rest. I still hate the man who abused me. He's deceased but that doesn't lessen the urge to rip him to shreds and make him hurt like he made me hurt. So, that's something that I'm still working on.

I'm still very much a work in progress, as we all are, but I know the things I need to work on and I have people in my life who support me and share the weight when the burden is too much for me.

I'd like this place to be a safe zone where everyone can share with and support another.

Peace.