[Medusa]

I have always wanted to be a singer. I have spent inordinate amounts of time in my car, home, and shower belting out tunes that would bring most folks to their knees. I have warbled loudly with Led Zeppelin, Mariah Carey, and Prince. I have brought myself to tears with the veracity of my voice! I have made my dog weep with joy! My singing! YES! The voice!

Imagine my surprise when my Brother wanted to go out on his 18th birthday and we ended up at a karaoke/strip club. YES, it was a combo. In Arkansas. Imagine that.

After several hours of drinking and watching naked women, people were starting to do karaoke. The urge in me was too great and the little voice in my head said, "Go ahead Angie! WOW the world with your pipes! Show the world that you have been hiding a magical voice under all of that red hair and freckles!"
I just KNEW it would be my big moment! I knew that people would be running up to me , crying, because I had brought such emotion with my song! I knew that record producers would slither out of the dark corners of the club demanding to sign me to recording contracts worth millions of dollars. I knew that my heart would SOAR with all of the love and adoration that people would bestow upon me because of the treasured beauty of my hidden talent! Why, even my own brother would be shocked and amazed by my voice! PEOPLE WOULD BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP ME AS THE GREATEST SINGER OF ALLLLLL TIME!

I picked a song I knew by heart since I was a little drunk. Well, I wasnt a LITTLE drunk, I was a LOT drunk. I was SO drunk that I had to steady myself on the mic stand when I went up to the front when my name was called.
I squared my feet and assumed what I just knew would be a "star-like" position. Why, I might even play air guitar and sway like AXL ROSE! Because I WAS FUCKING GREATNESS Y'ALL!

Needless to say, when the music started, I had picked the song "Jose Cuervo".
You know the one, an old country standard that would be easy on the pipes (woudlnt want to overwhelm folks rigth off the bat) and I had been singing it since I was 6 so I knew all the words by heart.

When the music started, I began singing.

People immediately covered their ears.

It was THAT BAD.

What came out of my mouth wasnt singing. It was some ancient, diseased, inhuman CATTERWALLING that probably could have been considered an instrument of torture. I immediately knew that something was wrong. My voice sounded MUCH MUCH different on the mic than it did in the car! I sounded like a dying cat. Like a person in great pain at the dentist office. Like a cow that had been run over and needing to be put out of its misery.

I looked out at the audience desperately for some comfort. Where was my brother? If I could just see his face, I could maybe find the notes and actually stay on tune?
Where was he, you ask? He was slunk down in the booth with his face covered in shame. He peaked up at me through splayed fingers and shook his head. It was THAT BAD.

To add great insult to injury, I was so drunk that I forgot to pay attention to the words on the screen and had been singing *what I thought* were the words for the entire song.

Instead of "Jose Cuervo, you are a friend of mine.....", I had been singing:

"HOMESICK WEREWOLF, YOU ARE A PASTY LIME."

In short, I want to tell you all that I was so embarrassed that I rarely do karaoke again without remembering that level of embarrassment. And YES, I still sing karaoke. Badly. And Often. Because really, sometimes you just gotta sing like nobody but you can hear it anyway.