[ardentfemme]

My mom just said, “What if your hormones are out of whack? What if you have too much testosterone? And if we change that, then maybe your feelings about women will change.”

It’s interesting that just earlier today I was reflecting on how much pride I derive from passersby openly staring at me when I’m accompanied by butches – that is, when my femme identity is salient. I thought about how I’ve learned so much from being Otherized and how much these interactions have shaped me in a positive way.

But when it comes to my mom, comments like these are really hurtful. It feels like this aspect of my identity – one that I consider beautiful – is disgusting to her. It doesn’t matter what I do in life, how many degrees I earn, how much money I make, how compassionate I am, how fiercely I love those around me. I will always be a disappointment to her. Or, at least this one element of my selfhood will always be a disappointment to her. Something she wishes she could cure, like the stomach flu.

It’s also interesting because I’m not sure that all of my previous partners/crushes would feel comfortable being lumped into the category of “women.” My mom’s comment felt disrespectful to those who identify as butch, but simultaneously trans, lesbians who use they/them pronouns and those who use he/him pronouns for reasons that are entirely valid and entirely their own. These individuals have complex and nuanced relationships with womanhood and to toss them in with “women” seems reductive.

At the same time, I do claim the term lesbian, so what does that say about me? How could I articulate that to someone standing on the outside?

I didn’t say any of this to her. I just said, “That’s not how it works” and changed the subject. I figured it was better to process these thoughts in private. [And now on the internet for the whole world to see lol.]