Quote:
Originally Posted by Words
I think it goes even further than that. I would say, for a lot of people, who you are all comes down to not only who you fuck, but how you fuck.
For example, I'm a femme submissive. The assumption being - as far as many are concerned - that I'm some kind of pillow princess unable to adopt anything but a totally passive role in bed. Which of course, is absolute bullshit because as a submissive, my desire is to please, not to be pleased, including sexually. So although my Top definitely calls the shots, if you will, in bed, as elsewhere, if pleasing Hym requires my pretending to be a big, bad leather daddy and fucking Hym senseless until Hy begs for mercy (which it doesn't, but hey, it could), then that is what I will do.
Pillow princess? I don't think so. Not that I have anything against those who do ID that way but do you see where I'm coming from?
Words
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I understand. but Words, the only time my ID seems to matter is on-line. If I go to the pub with a varient ammount of genderqueer, butch, femme, trans, feminine queer ...wotever... no one asks me how I ID. nor do I ask them. I know a lot a people here, and I only know how a few of them ID. It's really none of my business what their gender is, what their sexual expression is. I know they are queer, I know we talk about queer stuff, but the ID stuff just rarely comes into it, in person. I know who's kinky by feel (the majority of my aquaintances and friends) and we occationally mention what new store opened or what new device was great, but other than that... I don't really talk about the details of our sexual relationships except with my closest of friends (who is straight and vanilla). No one asks me details like that either.
The power play that occurs in our relationship, no one really knows about, not because we'd be judged - god no, as far as I know most of my friends do similar things (by off hand comments) but it's just not typical pub type convos and I don't think anyone gives a shite and frankly, doesn't want to know which way one of us was tied up last tuesday.
the furthest I have to consider anyone's ID is their pronoun. that's it. other than that it's pretty much... an internal matter for them and me. How they see a movie, what art they did, if we are going to queer theater sports, what did they think of the paint colour, how much overtime they worked... really has nothing to do with what gender/ID they are. So it doesn't really matter.
the very deep conversations I have with close friends... that's different. but at that point I know their internal dialogue. I understand, accept and care for them. Their gender/ID and sexuality still don't matter (my closest friends: two straight girls, one queer gal, two femme ID'd gals and two gender blenders) but I at least understand their background and what they think are important.
I just don't need to know how they ID. Don't really care.
but That may be because I'm in london. When I was in Oxford and felt very isolated and very *very* different with one person who understood my gender politics and history, I was for more concerned with how people ID'd. Probably because I needed to connect with people I hoped would be "More like me."