[GeorgiaMa'am]

This was not a great weekend with my mom, and now I'm exhausted. Just driving all the way to see her wears me out, and I usually try to take Monday off when I get back to rest up and get ready for the coming week. But no, I rolled in here late last night, and I had to get up early today to get ready for work (visit from the new president - three days).

She has now started obsessing over things she has to remember. She must have checked her medication 40 times on Saturday, to make sure she had taken it. I guess that's better than her forgetting it. But she fussed over it every time, full of worry. It's hard to see her feel so compelled.

She also cried over my dad - but the bad part is that she quickly stifled herself, not giving in to the tears, and berated herself for not being "strong, like other women". I know she still cries, which is sad, but it's normal I think. She met my dad in high school and they were together until just two years ago. He was her entire life. What's worse is that she's still grieving so deeply, and not feeling it's okay for her to do so, and she doesn't feel like she should share these feelings with anybody. I tried to be sympathetic and say the right things, but she doesn't really want my sympathy.

She wants us to go on pretending like everything is okay. Of course, everything is not okay. In addition to my dad being gone, her memory seemed to be worse this time. Even more terrible is that she beats herself up over it, as though she should be able to control this awful dementia that is taking her language skills and memories away.

We were able to have some good talks this weekend, and we ate some delicious food (that I prepared, with her "help". We used to be able to cook together, as long as she was only in charge of a single thing, but now even that is getting beyond her, and she knows it.)

I'm starting to miss my mom. And yet, she's still here. But in some ways, she's not.