Butch Femme Planet - View Single Post - StepMonsters and other scary second parenting issues

nycfem · 11-26-2010, 03:20 PM

I'm cross-posting what I just posted on Junie's thread. I never had anyone to talk to about this stuff and suddenly there are two threads for me to post on. I'm sure not complaining

I've often felt alone with this issue so it's great to have this thread and see I'm not.

When I came into the relationship with my husbutch, hy had two sons, one 12 and the other 17. Hys ex-wife of 18 years, M, is the biological mother of both children. M and BB are great parents in their own ways (as much as it kills me to say this about M due to my jealousy), so the co-parenting relationship is tight and very present. This is tough for me, as I often felt like a "ghost," an invisible member of the family. I wasn't exactly a real parent, and I wasn't a kid. I was the one who whispered my ideas to BB but didn't make the decisions. It's a really unusual role, with some benefits as well as frustrating aspects.

Now the boys are 18 and 23, so the intensity of step-parenting is lessened. The younger one, Jacob (lots of "Jacobs" on this thread!), reminds me of me. He is artsty, very emotional, strong willed, and a non-conformist. He has four women (i.e. two couples) with whom he splits his time when not at art school. He calls us "the mother network" and is open with his friends about us.

This is such an expansive and important topic so I'm not sure what else to say because there is just so much to say!

Here are a few of the harder parts of step-parenting that I've encountered:

1) BB will be on the phone with M (Jacob's other mother), and she will be difficult, and BB will put up with it, but then get off the phone, implode, and have the expectation of getting support from me. I will in turn get resentful of being put in this role, become tearful, and thus neither of us receives the support we are craving.

2) BB will ask me to discipline, and while occasionally I fill this role, I almost always say no. I strongly feel that when coming into the life of a child who is 13 or older, it's not good for the step-parent/ step-child relationship for the step-parent to be a disciplinarian. I think this is especially true when the child only resides with the step-parent part-time. My stance on this (not really all that relevant anymore now that Jacob is 18) was a frustration to BB, who felt exhausted by the need to always be the one who disciplined.

3) I always struggled with how affectionate to be. Jacob and BB are super physical, cuddly, back rub types, so in a sense it seems it would be easy to just jump in there with them. However, I felt that it was a bond they shared that I didn't want to interrupt. Also, since I was taking much more of a friend role with Jacob, I think I felt it seemed cooler not to go all huggy on him. In retrospect I don't know if it was the right way to go. Maybe it felt like a rejection, and we still aren't too physically affectionate. It's so hard to balance giving him space while showing how much I care.

Here are a few of the wonderful aspects of step-parenting that I've experienced:

1) Jacob's other 3 moms have raised the boys since they were young children and are also nearly 20 years older than me. They are used to disciplining and worrying and planning, etc. I, on the other hand, am closer in age to Jacob and don't have the more stressful parts of parenting within my role. Thus Jacob and I get to have a lot of fun together, and BB has said that at times he opens up to me in a way that he does not with his other mothers. This sure feels good to hear.

2) It's a fun family dynamic how Jacob and I have so much in common that BB and Jacob do not. Jacob and I are much more artsy, wild, and eccentric than BB, so there's a lot of playful teasing amongst us with Jacob and I unified in our commonalities. It's hard to explain but I love feeling that we have shared interests and ways of being, even though I did not raise him from birth. It's lucky, I guess.

3) Moments like this: One year Jacob gave me a very cute, touching birthday card. On the outside it said "Ever notice how in every family there's usually one person who's shockingly normal?" and then inside the card it said, "We should get ourselves one of those. Happy birthday!" Jacob wrote, "This is EXACTLY what our family is like!! But it is those quirks that I Iove most about you! You are a fun, funny, obsessive, artistic, queer femme social worker and that makes for some amazing cards in the mail and some 'on the spot' questions."

11-26-2010, 03:20 PM	#3
nycfem Moderator How Do You Identify?: femme sub Preferred Pronoun?: Baby Grrl Relationship Status: Attached Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: NYC Posts: 6,768 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 52,825 Thanked 21,724 Times in 5,083 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	I'm cross-posting what I just posted on Junie's thread. I never had anyone to talk to about this stuff and suddenly there are two threads for me to post on. I'm sure not complaining I've often felt alone with this issue so it's great to have this thread and see I'm not. When I came into the relationship with my husbutch, hy had two sons, one 12 and the other 17. Hys ex-wife of 18 years, M, is the biological mother of both children. M and BB are great parents in their own ways (as much as it kills me to say this about M due to my jealousy), so the co-parenting relationship is tight and very present. This is tough for me, as I often felt like a "ghost," an invisible member of the family. I wasn't exactly a real parent, and I wasn't a kid. I was the one who whispered my ideas to BB but didn't make the decisions. It's a really unusual role, with some benefits as well as frustrating aspects. Now the boys are 18 and 23, so the intensity of step-parenting is lessened. The younger one, Jacob (lots of "Jacobs" on this thread!), reminds me of me. He is artsty, very emotional, strong willed, and a non-conformist. He has four women (i.e. two couples) with whom he splits his time when not at art school. He calls us "the mother network" and is open with his friends about us. This is such an expansive and important topic so I'm not sure what else to say because there is just so much to say! Here are a few of the harder parts of step-parenting that I've encountered: 1) BB will be on the phone with M (Jacob's other mother), and she will be difficult, and BB will put up with it, but then get off the phone, implode, and have the expectation of getting support from me. I will in turn get resentful of being put in this role, become tearful, and thus neither of us receives the support we are craving. 2) BB will ask me to discipline, and while occasionally I fill this role, I almost always say no. I strongly feel that when coming into the life of a child who is 13 or older, it's not good for the step-parent/ step-child relationship for the step-parent to be a disciplinarian. I think this is especially true when the child only resides with the step-parent part-time. My stance on this (not really all that relevant anymore now that Jacob is 18) was a frustration to BB, who felt exhausted by the need to always be the one who disciplined. 3) I always struggled with how affectionate to be. Jacob and BB are super physical, cuddly, back rub types, so in a sense it seems it would be easy to just jump in there with them. However, I felt that it was a bond they shared that I didn't want to interrupt. Also, since I was taking much more of a friend role with Jacob, I think I felt it seemed cooler not to go all huggy on him. In retrospect I don't know if it was the right way to go. Maybe it felt like a rejection, and we still aren't too physically affectionate. It's so hard to balance giving him space while showing how much I care. Here are a few of the wonderful aspects of step-parenting that I've experienced: 1) Jacob's other 3 moms have raised the boys since they were young children and are also nearly 20 years older than me. They are used to disciplining and worrying and planning, etc. I, on the other hand, am closer in age to Jacob and don't have the more stressful parts of parenting within my role. Thus Jacob and I get to have a lot of fun together, and BB has said that at times he opens up to me in a way that he does not with his other mothers. This sure feels good to hear. 2) It's a fun family dynamic how Jacob and I have so much in common that BB and Jacob do not. Jacob and I are much more artsy, wild, and eccentric than BB, so there's a lot of playful teasing amongst us with Jacob and I unified in our commonalities. It's hard to explain but I love feeling that we have shared interests and ways of being, even though I did not raise him from birth. It's lucky, I guess. 3) Moments like this: One year Jacob gave me a very cute, touching birthday card. On the outside it said "Ever notice how in every family there's usually one person who's shockingly normal?" and then inside the card it said, "We should get ourselves one of those. Happy birthday!" Jacob wrote, "This is EXACTLY what our family is like!! But it is those quirks that I Iove most about you! You are a fun, funny, obsessive, artistic, queer femme social worker and that makes for some amazing cards in the mail and some 'on the spot' questions."