[dark_crystal]

My eating disorder has been active the last couple of weeks. I had a couple of doctor appointments and i did not follow the protocol of turning my back to the scale while getting weighed.

(i know there is an ED thread but my ED is how my PTSD likes to manifest)

The number was far higher than i could handle. Since then i have been tempted daily to download the calorie counting app to my phone and "get the situation under control."

Also i didn't have a secretary for almost 2 months, so i was having to do my own catering orders, and the process of polling everyone for their box lunch preferences was too much, bc i hate talking about food with people. When it came time to proof the final order i came very close to just not doing it and approving it w/o looking. I forced myself to check it finally and there was an error on my boss's order.

ALSO we had a "benefits fair" at work when wellness-type vendors can come and set up booths. I could not read the sign on a table and approached too close and the vendor started trying to sell me weight-loss coaching and low-calorie snack bars, even though the dress i was wearing was showing all the bones in my decolletage. I left the building.

Anyway, yesterday morning i could not stand it and finally weighed myself and the number was my very favorite number.

Now Mr. Jenny is worried about THAT, and immediately cooked pancakes for breakfast-- and although I feel better, i still want to download the calorie counter app.

Also i am not looking forward to therapy on Thursday, as my therapist has already recommended a month in outpatient treatment-- and refusing that along with my continued refusal to take SSRIs is making me seem difficult.

Its the ED that won't let me take SSRIs. Even if they didn't cause weight gain, they cause constipation and that is super-triggering. I convinced the Dr. to just let me have Ativans instead, for rescue when situations get bad, but i won't take those either bc of the constipation. I've had the same bottle of 30 pills since April.