[Arden]

It feels a bit odd to click quick reply when I believe what I'm about to do is explode my feelings all over the place...

I went for a run tonight, the first in a few days. I'm training for a 10k which is coming up in October, my first official event. I did some running for exercise in college but really none since then and being real here college was a loong time ago. My playlist, which includes a rather diverse range of music, really caught me tonight; shifted me into walking rather than maintaining a constant running pace (oops I'll to get my training back on track another night). I continued my course to the ocean as thoughts filled my mind and I attempted to hold onto them long enough to be able to recapture them later...

The past year of my life has brought enormous changes. I moved alone with my daughter away from the suburbs for work. It was not fully a choice but more thought to be the lesser of evils (not that any particular place to live is actually evil). It had, at the time, been thought this location was, well part of a lovely 5 year plan merely accelerated and was close enough to the resources for my daughter's needs and to allow frequent visits with the other part of our little family.

The separation was supposed to be short-term only few months while thing were wrapped up. Its been a year, I guess they never got wrapped up huh? (wry laugh). Or perhaps they did just not how I thought they would....

I still find myself wondering what happened, what I am doing in making this choice and occasionally questioning if I should be making it. Then something happens to remind me why and helps to stabilize me.

I feel sad over the loss of the dream I once had, the life I thought I/we had created...

I know I can have it. I believe it is possible to be loved and to love to create a happy ever after; complete with hurried meals, quick kisses good bye on busy mornings, nights by the fire laying entwined on the couch, walks on the beach, and nights out dancing, ones at home dancing to music only we can hear, arguing and remembering to say "I love you." cause you do and they do too (really love me, not for what I can be but for me)<--- that's my fairy tale

...The songs on my playlist had me reflecting on what had been, could have been, and on what could be.... as I stood at the ocean in the glowing fading light of day it felt as if the sun was setting on more than the earth - that it was setting on my soul...(I know, I know, I'm being all dramatic, bear with me - please)

with all of that thinking/feeling I find myself wondering if my judgement can be trusted. Do I make wise choices? Does my desire to cause no pain, no hurt to others... include me? Where do I turn for comfort, for solace? Where should I seek sanctuary? Am I safe? How do I know? Can/will my faith sustain me now? Am I truly worthy of love? Can I love another? Do I have anything to offer up? If not now, when and how will I know? Will anyone want to actually sign on to this life I have? Can they, will they handle my fears? Would they hold me when I'm scared, when I'm sad, when the temptation to jump upon a horse and ride away is powerful (never mind that I don't know how to ride or even have a horse)? When all my flaws and brokenness are revealed in the clear light of day will they still pick me? Can I trust again and how? Will they be patient with me in the times I simply can't, will they understand?

I often feel in my line of work a missing element is the lack of permission to be human. I think clinicians are better at their work (guiding others to the healing they contain within, shifting their thinking ever so slight a little nudge at a time knowing their life and the others in it will move like all the colorful pieces inside a kaleidoscope) when they (clinicians) are human...not invading their clients lives with their own but being authentic, real.

I want to be human...heck (are allowed to say that here? I'm sorry if not, please don't send me to a corner) I am human...a passionate, compassion filled, tender, loving - human and I don't know how to be any other way even though sometimes I wish I could be cool, cold even just to not hurt....*sigh*....alas that simply is not me, its not who I am...

....so this has me offer up this question does my clear fragile humanity make me beautiful or does it make me ugly? And should the answer even matter?