[Wolfsong]

Originally Posted by arcstriker

...mom said to me that I was "her biggest disappointment and her biggest failure!".

Hey Arc,

Long time. It's good to see you again. That had to be really hard for you to hear and I am sorry that happened to you. Sometimes I think my mom feels like a failure as a mother (my youngest brother's continued struggle with assholism guarantees him a spot, usually, second on her shit list just a short breath from my sister-in-law who magnificently maintains the top position....in this case I don't mind sharing 3rd with my other brother). I think maybe it's harder for her generation. I know it was harder for her.

There were specific expectations for women in those days (late 50s and early 60s) that were more difficult than I would have ever been able to live up to. I can't really imagine how difficult it was for her to see her only daughter change from a cute little girl in pigtails to........well.....me. People in the neighborhood, old fashioned, watching, judging not just me but her. Her success or failure as a woman and a mother. I remember her always correcting my boyish mannerisms, dressing me the way she thought I wanted me to dress, my hairstyle the way she thought I wanted it. Preparing me to be the woman she thought I'd want to be. There was the disconnect. It wasn't what I wanted, it was what she wanted me to want.

....and oh how I rebelled.

I wasn't that good a kid. I got into trouble in high school, grades slipped from A's wayyyyyy down to where I might have blown my ride to college (I never found out because I enlisted in the Army and went to college later)...just about the same time I realized that I wanted to kiss girls. Oh I didn't do drugs (I was too afraid of my father) or get into trouble with the law or anything like that. At 15 I had my first girlfriend. We went on the lam a couple of times because our parents didn't want us to hang around together. I snuck out at night, went places I wasn't supposed to go, lied to them about where I went and with who......stuff like that. A real Dopeo and Juliet story!

I want to be clear about that because I don't want anyone to think my mother this evil person who tried to make a girl out of her daughter. I earned some of what I get. I know mom loves me. She shows me that in a million different ways. Sometimes, it isn't the way I need her to. The dots don't connect for her when it comes to me. Alot of it has to do with the things that happened to her as a kid.

My own understanding is that I pay a price for living my life my own way. I also understand that my actions and decisions reflect on the people in my family in the same way it would if I won the Nobel Peace Prize or became a serial killer. I love and respect my family. I just wish sometimes it was a little easier to make everything nice and neat for all of us.