[randrum]

I haven't been on this site very long. A week maybe? And I have found a lot of good stuff. And met some cool people, even made some friends. But last night in chat I had a mini freak out moment.

I was asked if I identified as male or female. I answered both, either. But internally I was sort of freaking out. Needless to say I fled a few minutes later, which I'm not overly proud of. But the answer to the question is I don't know.

I've always identified as female. I mean, I was born female, raised female, even was forced into many dresses as a kid. But I was also a huge tomboy. And I had kids make fun of me for being boyish. Even as an adult I get looks and comments.

When I came out, I had a group of all gay friends who were really supportive and proud of being gay. But I realize now they were really narrow minded. They didn't have room in their view of sexual/gender identity for anything besides gay and lesbian. Butch was not something that was accepted. And I sort of went along with it, because I didn't know any better or had the courage/self-confidence to go against the group.

But after college and losing touch with that group, my view of myself started to evolve. And I learned to start being comfortable in my own skin. So I started to shop for clothes in the men's department and wear male cologne because I like the smell on me.

The last couple years have been eye opening. And I can finally admit that yes, I am butch. But at this point, I don't know much more than that. Or even what it means completely to me. So yes, I've always identified as female. But maybe I would be okay identifying as male. I mean, I have only recently started packing on occasion and it feels completely natural and, well, me. So why wouldn't identifying as male too?

I know that I am over generalizing things. Because gender identity is anything but black and white. And as I am learning it's a deeply personal, continually evolving dynamic. My mini freak out isn't a bad thing, it's a learning thing. A growing moment.

I still have a ways to go in figuring out myself. But I don't have to do it immediately. The one thing I do know is that I've found the right place to help me through the process. All the different threads I've read, stories from all of you, have been so helpful. And informative. So thanks for sharing.