[Hollylane]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

Saw my WL doctor yesterday...I'm down another 11.3 lbs since last month!

I'm thrilled with this but at the same time there's confusion stemming from internal conflict and a high level of insecurity and lack of confidence.

Last weekend I had a long conversation with a former boss who is also one of my most cherished friends, big brother and mentor. He told me "Don't let the opinions of others determine who you are or how you see yourself." He went on to suggest that I write this on my mirror and leave it there "until it sinks in." I haven't done that yet and may not but it's sound advice and some I need to follow...

To steal from a friend's song..."There's so much left to do but there's so much you've (I've) already done..."

I never expected there would be any conflict/confusion over the positive results of this journey. He asked me if had I known would I have started much less stayed with it? At the moment I don't really know...I did this for me...for my health...I was slowly dying from the excess weight...digging my own grave with my knife and fork.

Thankfully that is no longer the case, so mission accomplished. But this unsteady feeling from the collateral damage of my success is difficult for me...there's no "wall" for me to hide behind even if it was killing me there was a comfort there and sense of consistency...

There's a part of me, the "grown up," who knows I will overcome this and that gives me hope but at the same time little comfort. Because the other part of me is a very frightened "little girl" who feels lost, alone, abandoned, adrift, isolated...

Despite this I am determined to keep moving forward on this journey. Interesting though, the weight seems like just a battle to be easily won while the rest is all out war.

But a war that I am determined to win!

Sorry for rambling but this is some necessary venting...

Has anyone else experienced this or something similar? And if so, what did you do to help you overcome it?

I have had multiple periods of my life where I have been larger than is healthy for me, some caused by health issues, some caused by my being not-so-attentive to my food choices...

When I am at a healthy weight, I have gone through periods of feeling more exposed, and vulnerable. At one time, after being assaulted, I think I even made a decision (subconsciously) to make myself an unhealthy size, to avoid men finding me attractive. Believe me, I was more than successful at achieving this.

Having been raised by a family who's main career choices center on mental health, I have never found therapists, or group therapy to be helpful, at all. Eventually, I just began having positive inner-monologues with myself, whenever I have feelings of vulnerability, or negative thoughts about my weight, or other peoples' weight. I have to do this, nearly every day, regardless of my size, or current health conditions.

Because, regardless of what my current weight/size is, my brain tells me that I am grossly overweight, so it is important that I the take time to remind myself daily, that my body shape/size does not reflect who I am as a person, and that the most important thing I can do for my body, is to keep trying to stay healthy. I also have to ignore the outside influence of others, who's idea of what is a healthy diet/weight, is very different from what is healthy for me. If I have a conversation about my diet with someone who thinks differently (something I avoid), I find that a lot of people can be utterly and completely negative.