Lately in the past several months, it's been so stressful just to even be around my mom for me. I just can't handle the amount of yelling, griping, bitching, screaming at me that she does. I lost my control today with her and yelled back to just get her to stop it. This went on for hours today, I couldn't do anything right and she's blaming me for things that she's chosen to do and not allow me to help her with, that's my fault how? OMG I'm so broken inside it hurts me to no end to be screamed blamed and yelled at for things that aren't in my control or for things I don't do for her because she won't let me. My mom is miserable where she lives, she wants things better but she will not do the things necessary to make that happen, like move to my sisters home in TN where she will be well taken care of. Instead she takes her anger out on me and has been for several months now. I know how the old saying that says you hurt the ones you love the most that are closest to you, but that's the shit that has to stop. I can't take anymore, my ptsd is at an all time high, my anxiety is running amock and I'm having to take double the pills for anxiety to keep mine under control. I've talk to my therapist yesterday about all this and about how guilty I feel that I need to distance myself from my mother (she's toxic to me ). I feel that it is my responsibility to help her when she needs help and when I do things for her, all I get is bitched screamed yelled at about doing it the wrong way. I feel so empty inside towards my mom now, I just don't even want to be around her, that's how broken I feel and I feel guilty about it so much that it's causing my depression ptsd and anxiety issues to rear their ugly heads too, along with how my mom talks to me and treats me. I told mom today that I am done, I won't be yelled at anymore, I won't tolerate her behavior towards me and I'm tired of coming over and helping her and all I get is bad attitude towards me, the yelling, screaming blah blah blah BS that i go through that I was done. I can't take anymore. I'm not going to do this with her anymore.
Texted my younger sister in TN and told her whats been going on, she won't get the text until she leaves home for work tomorrow, no reception in her home to get it. She's going to be pissed off at me for sure, but oh fucking well. This is what I have to do for me to take care of me and distance myself from someone who's acting like a mad woman that's losing her mind.
She's like jekyll and hyde, nice one minute then here comes the craziness and drama. UGH I feel so broken and so guilty for needing to just exit this entire life of taking care of my mom. I sure hope therapy will help me feel better about what I need to do for me to take care of my own needs first.
UGH UGH UGH TRILLLION UGHS.
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