[imperfect_cupcake]

as for who pays? the asker. If I ask you out, I pay. You ask me out, you pay. Asker picks restaurant and informs when asking. good idea to have a plan B in case someone has food sensitivities.

I *have* been caught out by this before by thinking this was fairly common - it's not in London! I was butt broke and this very suave suited and booted butch solicitor (UK for Lawyer) asked me out for a light dinner on the south bank of the thames, outside table, bit of dimsum. Ok, I thought, that's nice, sure. I take £10 with me, just in case, and head off.

I arrive and it's way more expensive than I thought but that's ok, she's picked it, she asked me, I'll just go light and let her order mostly. As we are talking before the waiter comes I start to get this feeling she's more southern english butch than northern or the kind of butch in North america.... that means everything I might assume goes out the window. This also means she hasn't dated much. they don't really "date" here... that would mean she doesn't know date manners/rituals of the kind I'm used to. ergo, I'm going to have to have a glass of water and a salad with my £10 in this very expensive place.

So I don't order any wine, I turn down, politely, her offer to buy a bottle. I then order an appetiser as my meal. She orders several buckets of dim sum. Offers me some. I say no thanks, I'm not very hungry. oh go on have a few and places four on my plate. I don't touch them till close to the end of the meal.

after a rather awkward date where I realise that although I've met with her casually a couple times at events, this is a no goer. different lifestyle. she doesn't pay attention well either. talks about herself a bit too much in a very boring way and takes herself way too seriously. generalises too much.

when the bill arrives she looks at it and says "split this down the middle, shall we?" with a big happy non-observant grin.
"actually, if you don't mind, I'm just going to pay for mine. I've only got a tenner on me." which came out a bit frosty. I think she was a bit bruised by that. Her tone changed and she sounded a bit hurt.

I rushed away with a lot of relief.

serves me right for making assumptions about people and dating and I should have stated right at the beginning about my budget.

Inki did try to pay for me as often as possible, bless her, and we always have a small wrestle over the bags. I've learned to just let her carry them and say thank you. she means only to be of use and I appreciate it when she takes the awkward bags when we cycle home from shopping. She find me chairs when my feet hurt when we are out, she always gives me the seat on the train. But to assume she will do this for all femmes is a mistake, she'll promptly tell a femme to fuck off at an event if she wants a chair that inki has, simply because she's girly and inki's a butch and therefore has chair rights. She doesn't do the gender divide. she does it because it's me. not because I'm a femme. That feels special.