Over and over ... I fall for women who seem completely engaged, talk about marriage, how where we are "going" seems inevitable ... I hold back a little but go ahead and discuss it. I fall head over heels - then I sense them pulling away and get freaked out, anxious. They sense this anxiety, and pull away or break up based on it. All this after I have *never* brought up or allowed us to fixate on a future that's fun to think about but way too early to plan - after she is talking about how I'll "of course, end up baby X's step-dad" - and "well, you have to stop smoking near the house now so it will be okay by fall" -
I realize they are probably on the rebound, not in control of their own mouth ... or I'm supposed to pull away rather than stay present. But it's a drag. The last one I truly believe was a genuine match, we were so compatible - but she assumed a lot, plugged in her own doubts with her own answers rather than talk to me. I would have been happy to stop seeing each other every day. There are lots of adjustments I would have made to keep a promising future alive.
So - my scars are abandonment issues. I am self-contained, solid, my feet on the ground - until I start to feel slippage. Maybe she's not slipping away at all, but when I sense it, my own steadiness, part of who I am, begins to slip and it's palpable, thus creating even more doubt.
Blech.
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