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Old 04-15-2014, 09:04 AM   #1171
clay
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50 Shades of Clay Darker & Deeper
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Hey Dapper:
Glad you were able to get in and have this scheduled soon!
I understand where you are coming from on wanting to get the FU's done according to "schedule".....as per one's respective providers and timelines.
Once having cancer, surgery and/or chemo, we are predisposed to "living" on a timeline, so to speak.
My previous oncologist said I would need to be seen every 3 months, with the tumor marker levels done then, for life. So, in my subconscious, that is the "timeline" I lived on.
My current oncologist is from a different school of thought, following a national organization's gudielines. With my levels being stable at around 1 to 1.33, no new symptoms, etc. I can now go to once every 1 to 2 years before having CT scans. I don't have to get colonoscopies for a couple or 3 years unless something new comes up.
I had to re wrap my brain around this new set of guidelines, but am doing good with that. I was "hesitant" at first though.
Last Sept. I was given quite a scare. Had to get new colonoscopy, 5 months after previous one. BUT sometimes, the films do pick up "artifacts" or such....soooo.
Then in Nov. I had something "suspicious" show up on previously normal mammos. Again, I was terrified, put through wringer with more compressed scans and tests. Luckily, it was all benign....soooo...I get my mammos yearly without fail!
I had my regular eye exam a few months back, and again, I was given a scare. Further workup and MORE tests showed I didn't have acute narrow angle glaucoma as previously thought!
Now, my cancer wasn't as advanced , and I dodged having to have chemo/rads, but every check up does leave me with slight trepidation.






How often do you think about it?

Initially I was with some concern each time I had a follow up. I wondered if my cancer would return, what if my tumor marker levels were up, etc.
In time, I was able to relax and think on the positive side of the spectrum.

At times, I do think of it, and wonder if there are any new mutated cells running
amok inside of me. It's almost impossible to NOT think like this at times, for myself, anyway.

These answers apply only to me....as a sidenote....



How often do you worry it will come back?

Again, I am able to think more along it won't return, staying as focused and as positive as I can.

I don't want the fear of cancer to rule my life. I could drive myself insane with wondering about the "what ifs" if I let that consume me.




What is the intensity of the worry when you do think about it?

Last September, I was a royal mess when the films showed an "applecore lesion" on my splenic flexure of my colon (left side of colon). I was scared out of my mind for 6 weeks, until I had further workups to rule that out. It involved another colonoscopy and CT Scan with/without contrast, and bloodwork.

I was so down and worried sick. Here I was in a new relationship, just starting to settle into life again, and this ugly scenario cropped up. I couldn't focus on anything BUT cancer.
Thankfully for my loving, positive, and supportive partner, and an amazing network of friends who were supportive and loving, I was able to come out of that post test results!

Next month I am due for tumor marker levels, then pending those results, I am going to yearly FU's. Of course, if I have any changes in bowel/bladder, etc I will go in sooner.

Each of us are unique and each respond differently to our situations. But I know I will always have some trepidations regarding this ugly disease recurring inside of me. But I also refuse to let it consume me. I have my crafts, hobbies, friends, and this wonderful thread as diversionary. I always come to the Planet to see this thread in particular.

I feel at ease here, I like to read about each of us, and to share of myself with each of you. I like to catch a glimpse into each one of your lives, and see how life is going for everyone else.

Will it ever get less stressful? Probably not....because we each live on some sort of a "timed guideline" for further tests, FU's, and that deep down, nagging little thought of "is it back". What does this tiredness mean?

I have been more tired as of late, and I attributed it to the recent total knee replacement surgery I had. My hemoglobin is low, BUT rebounding. My BP is low, staying low, and I catch myself nodding off several times a day, if I sit still long enough. Of course, one's bowel habits and consistency does change...a lot...post cancer of the colon, so when asked if it has changed, I am always like...well, that is hard to say...unless it is bloody or something frankly obvious....how does one gauge that? as to "has it changed" ?

So, I hope I have given you some semblance of what it is like for myself...and I don't think any one of us is "alone" per se, in these same feelings...one way or another...and probably always will have these variances of feelings, fears, and "what ifs".

Dap....good luck my friend. I am with you in thoughts & spirit. Please let us know when you are ready to, your test results.
I look up to you, BTW, in so many ways. YOU were an amazing source of information, support, and encouragement to me when I faced my own colon cancer and surgery!!
I can only hope to be of the same to you....take care, Dap!!! fondly....Clay
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