[cathexis]

Have a lot in common with many life stories I have read here. Will share mine as well.

My primary abuser was my brother who was 9 years older than me. He would pick on me, hit me, tickle me horribly, and at about 10 crushed a joint in my finger by stepping on it purposely with heavy steel toed boots. My mom declared all this "fighting" as sibling rivalry. He would destroy my room by going in and throwing everything about, emptying drawers, pulling all hanging clothes out of the closet, breaking my things, dumping out my Lincoln Log box (large one). Looked like a tornado hit my room. I would run to mom, she wouldn't discipline him. I got yelled at and made to stay in my room until the mess was cleaned up.

Problems began when I was 7. My parents separated. Dad, a functional alcoholic, was forced out by mom getting a restraining order. Mom, an anxiety ridden passive aggressive neurotic, was bitter about my father.

Mom and brother looked the same, and I looked like my dad. Prior to the separation, I was Daddy's little girl. He spent a lot of time with me. Taught me to swim well, etc. I basically could do no wrong in Daddy's eyes.

Mom resented me as I looked like Daddy, and had taken away loving attention that she wanted. Mom, who could cut anyone down verbally without cursing or raising her voice and used this abusively toward me, and the abusive brother who had been made de facto disciplinarian male parent, joined forces against me. They were angry because I looked like Daddy and had many of his personality traits.

I began lashing out at home against the abuse. Also lashed out at school as I was picked on as the carrot top fat short girl. I was everyone's punk. My only positive relationship was with the dog.

Mom and brother decided that I had a behavioral problem, and had me admitted to a mental hospital who dealt with incorrigible children. This was 1971. The 1970s were know as being bad for kids in mental hospitals.

Was sexually mature at age 11, and very sexually active. They decided to try to change that by locking me in isolation for 7 days without only a bare mattress on the floor and a blanket. That happened more than a dozen times while I was in that hospital. They had other methods as well to try to break me of having sex. They also inserted an IUD without my consent. It was a Dalkon Shield (associated with infections and sterility in many women).

They also subjected me to batteries of psychological tests. Was told that I was manipulative and lacked empathy. Gee, I wonder why. Only two good things came from the tests. They determined that I needed Assertiveness Training and got it. The other was their determining that my IQ was in the genius range which was the only thing I was proud of about myself. Was put in high school classes which was the only good thing about that hospital.

Eventually, I learned to play their game. Got myself released on condition that they could pull me back anytime my mom told them I did an "incorrigible act." Happened a couple of times going straight to seclusion each time.

They gave me a full discharge. I dropped my "good girl" persona. Immediately had the IUD out, and went on the pill (something I wasn't permitted to do).

Mom and brother continued their abuse. I worked the streets as a hooker until got enough money to leave. Slipped out my window with 2 suitcases and my wad of cash. Went to New Orleans with my medical intern boyfriend. I was 16 at this point.

Regardless of all this I was able to become an EMT then Paramedic followed by RN. Also got a BS in Earth Science/Physical Oceanography. Advanced degrees in Political Philosophy with a concentration in Marxist/Socialist Theory.

See, you can go through a whole lot of family shit, and come out the other side. One permanent physical scar, had to have a hysterectomy at age 18 due to that IUD. I have no children.