[GeorgiaMa'am]

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. It is so stressful when some person decides to get all self-righteous and upset the family.

It's difficult to give you an answer without knowing more about the dynamics within the family. I will also qualify my answer by saying that my family is all from the South, and how we do things is not how they are done everywhere. For instance, we're not very direct.

So the first thing I would do is confront the SIL in a non-confrontational way that lets her know you have noticed her behavior. I would take her aside and ask her in a confidential tone, "Have you been feeling alright lately? Is something the matter?", implying that she can confide in you. She will probably say nothing is wrong, or she might tell you what is wrong, or about some other problem she's having altogether; it's up to you to respond appropriately. But at some point, let her know you asked because she's "not acting like herself". Stay non-confrontational - don't put her on the defensive.

I'm not saying to be disingenuous with your SIL. I'm saying it might keep the drama to a minimum, and make everyone feel better, if you consider starting the conversation with some compassion - whether she deserves it or not. Even if she says she doesn't have a problem, this will put her on notice that her behavior is unacceptable, and it may be enough to make her step up to the plate and act like an adult.

If this doesn't work, then proceed to the sit-down, at another time. However, I would still keep it between me and her. Inviting other people to join the conversation just causes more drama, more defensiveness, and less communicating. I would still try to use non-blaming language - don't attack her beliefs - just address her behavior. "Your remarks really hurt my partner's feelings and mine too." This allows her a chance for an out without losing her dignity.

If none of that works, then once you call her on the carpet for a sit-down with your brother, you're creating a situation where she will feel shame. Expect defensive behavior. Expect to have to make ultimatums, like, "We will visit the family when you are not around." And be prepared for the possibility that your brother will take her side - that is his job, after all.

One more thing: don't let her push you away from your family. They are _your_ family, and she will always be an outsider, at least a little bit. (That may be why she feels like she has to compete with your partner - the _other_ outsider - and not get homophobic with you directly.) You have personal power too, as the daughter of the house, remember.

Of course your mileage may vary. Perhaps some tidbit will apply to you and you will find it helpful. Best wishes to you.