Thanks to all of you for your answers! It means a lot to me to know that you have read what I wrote and to get your support and perspectives. When I had read your answers yesterday I cried cause I felt such a relief that I finally had expressed these feelings of dysphoria in words (beyond very confused diary notes) but also because all of this feels very scary. I feel terrified of not knowing where these feelings will take me. Spent so much time in my life trying to be the girl people expect me to be, I don't have a fucking clue what I am going to find if I start to truly listen to myself.
I do use a binder almost daily nowadays, but it is some sort of light variant that honestly doesn't help so much (my breasts are pretty big). I have recently ordered a new one from the US which I hope will do a better job