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lillith · 03-22-2015, 05:20 PM

***Trigger Warning - Topics of emotional abuse, violence, and healing are below***

I was my mom's wild child. I am her youngest and the only one she raised until a teenager (this part is an super long story). I came back home when I was 28 and my son was four years old. I had no intention of sticking around that long. Well, 12 years later, here I sit. I have been to sole caretaker of my mother for the last four years. I have a brother (12 years older) and a sister (seven years older). Neither of which could take the time to come over and hang out with my mom, so I could take care of me. Neither of them seemed to care about what was happening with my mom. I would contact my brother, who only lives three miles from us, every time we ended up in the hospital. The response I often encountered was that it was my fault because I wasn't taking good enough care of her. He would yell at me and tear me apart. I endured this because he was her son, and I didn't want him to leave her, too. My sister left us ten years ago because of me, or so my mom says.

It seems that a lot of it is my fault, but I have done everything I could do that she would allow me to do. I tried to get her in home physical therapy, which she would kick out the physical therapist and never do any of the exercises. I tried to get a nurse to come over and be with her, so I could go just have a minute to breath. She would kick the nurse out, too, and I often found myself walking the people downstairs and apologizing profusely. She would yell at me that I don't need any time for me because she didn't take the time when she was raising me. I can only understand the frustration and fear my mom felt in marginal ways, but I tried to connect with her. I tried to make things better for her.

She has been in and out of nursing homes and the hospital, but this last jaunt into the hospital and the nursing home broke me. She has a history of leaving without doctor's consent, so when she called me two weeks ago to come and get her, I told her no. It broke my heart, and I sit here and cry now because of what has resulted from that one two lettered word. It was then that everything of the last fours years, honestly my whole life, came tumbling down out of my head and heart into my mouth. It was in those few minutes that everything I could never voice because I couldn't ever admit to myself was true. She threatened me through intimidation, "You better come get me." I still said no. She threatened me through guilt, "If you don't come get me, I'll call your brother!" I told her to go ahead and do that. Then she started to cry, "You don't love me." I said that I did and that is why I am saying no because I cannot take care of her the way she needs and that was me showing her that I loved her. She got angry again and told me that she was moving out. I said that is fine and that all of her things will be packed before she could get here. She hung up on me. I think I started to grieve then. I think in those quick moments I realized I just lost my mom because I figured it all out. I was the adult child of an emotional abuser, and I made the conscious choice to no longer be that child. I lost my will and desire to take care of her. I lost the guilt and shame of not being enough.

She called back later and tried to negotiate. She suggested that I move my son out of his room, so she could be in there. Before, she was in the living room. I laughed. I asked her who on earth asks their child to put them above his or her own child? She again got angry and hung up. It got to the point that I didn't want to answer my phone when she was calling. I felt like a horrible daughter and human being.

Two Fridays ago, I packed all of her things and she came with my brother and his wife to get them. It did not go well. My brother got violent with me and my son stepped in to defend me. My mom told me it was my fault that he put his hand on me.

It has been over a week since she has been gone. I have thoroughly cleaned the house, blessed it, but I still cry. I have missed worked and I keep looking for someone to tell me that I have been wrong in all of this because that is what my old tapes tell me I should be hearing. I wish I missed her. I feel bad for not feeling bad enough. I feel like a dick because I know that my life will better without all of the drama and heartache.

03-22-2015, 05:20 PM	#92
lillith Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her, hey you! Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 514 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 204 Thanked 687 Times in 224 Posts Rep Power: 5173240	*Trigger Warning - Topics of emotional abuse, violence, and healing are below* I was my mom's wild child. I am her youngest and the only one she raised until a teenager (this part is an super long story). I came back home when I was 28 and my son was four years old. I had no intention of sticking around that long. Well, 12 years later, here I sit. I have been to sole caretaker of my mother for the last four years. I have a brother (12 years older) and a sister (seven years older). Neither of which could take the time to come over and hang out with my mom, so I could take care of me. Neither of them seemed to care about what was happening with my mom. I would contact my brother, who only lives three miles from us, every time we ended up in the hospital. The response I often encountered was that it was my fault because I wasn't taking good enough care of her. He would yell at me and tear me apart. I endured this because he was her son, and I didn't want him to leave her, too. My sister left us ten years ago because of me, or so my mom says. It seems that a lot of it is my fault, but I have done everything I could do that she would allow me to do. I tried to get her in home physical therapy, which she would kick out the physical therapist and never do any of the exercises. I tried to get a nurse to come over and be with her, so I could go just have a minute to breath. She would kick the nurse out, too, and I often found myself walking the people downstairs and apologizing profusely. She would yell at me that I don't need any time for me because she didn't take the time when she was raising me. I can only understand the frustration and fear my mom felt in marginal ways, but I tried to connect with her. I tried to make things better for her. She has been in and out of nursing homes and the hospital, but this last jaunt into the hospital and the nursing home broke me. She has a history of leaving without doctor's consent, so when she called me two weeks ago to come and get her, I told her no. It broke my heart, and I sit here and cry now because of what has resulted from that one two lettered word. It was then that everything of the last fours years, honestly my whole life, came tumbling down out of my head and heart into my mouth. It was in those few minutes that everything I could never voice because I couldn't ever admit to myself was true. She threatened me through intimidation, "You better come get me." I still said no. She threatened me through guilt, "If you don't come get me, I'll call your brother!" I told her to go ahead and do that. Then she started to cry, "You don't love me." I said that I did and that is why I am saying no because I cannot take care of her the way she needs and that was me showing her that I loved her. She got angry again and told me that she was moving out. I said that is fine and that all of her things will be packed before she could get here. She hung up on me. I think I started to grieve then. I think in those quick moments I realized I just lost my mom because I figured it all out. I was the adult child of an emotional abuser, and I made the conscious choice to no longer be that child. I lost my will and desire to take care of her. I lost the guilt and shame of not being enough. She called back later and tried to negotiate. She suggested that I move my son out of his room, so she could be in there. Before, she was in the living room. I laughed. I asked her who on earth asks their child to put them above his or her own child? She again got angry and hung up. It got to the point that I didn't want to answer my phone when she was calling. I felt like a horrible daughter and human being. Two Fridays ago, I packed all of her things and she came with my brother and his wife to get them. It did not go well. My brother got violent with me and my son stepped in to defend me. My mom told me it was my fault that he put his hand on me. It has been over a week since she has been gone. I have thoroughly cleaned the house, blessed it, but I still cry. I have missed worked and I keep looking for someone to tell me that I have been wrong in all of this because that is what my old tapes tell me I should be hearing. I wish I missed her. I feel bad for not feeling bad enough. I feel like a dick because I know that my life will better without all of the drama and heartache. __________________ now how can you ignore a dancing pink elephant? and how i so wish it would rain here.