[Soft*Silver]

I confess...that even tho I have my moments of joy and that while I am working really hard at not letting it suck me down..I am indeed getting sucked into a dark hole this holiday season.

I confess that not having a job for these two years and having one health problem after another and living on air and my wit and standing before the multitudes with a grin saying it doesnt matter has FINALLY gotten to me to the point where it FUCKING DOES> it FUCKING DOES MATTER>

I confess that looking at my dog that I love so damn much and holding onto her day by day and knowing that I am doing everything I can to give her the best life I can for as long as I can, inside me I am terrified what is going to happen to me when I put her down because she is the last string that is holding me together...

I confess that while I am seeing a therapist and have a good set of drugs and wonderful set of medical Drs and things are moving along fine I am so sick and tired of what always always always comes next. For god fucking sake. A collapsed lung? And a Pulmonlogist who says I cant breath because I am anxious? Last straw...fucking last straw...so what if I have a collapsed lung? I have a vagina. I must be neurotic...

I confess that I am tired of being strong against my weaknesses. I am tired of smiling to conceal. I am tired of hiding the misery. I am tired of bracing against the inevitable. I am tired of dragging the limp. Dammit. I am not done and I am not suicidal and I am not quitting. I am just so fucking over it. I confess I am just not going to put the mask on today. Just today...