[imperfect_cupcake]

There are a bajillion ways to be non-monogamous and poly.

I have been mostly non-monogamous. Which means I have a partner, but I am *emotionally* monogamous with them. I have casual sex with others. I have also had non-monogamous relationship where the other person has had long term casual sex partners (one of 20 years) but they had zero interest in having a romantic relationship with each other. They were friends with occasional benefits maybe once a month to 6 weeks.

I have had polyamorous relationships where my partner is still my emotional beloved. And other partners I have cared very much for, but not been in love with. I find it very difficult to be in love with more than one person at a time. I love them, just not *in* love with them. I have certain boundaries I keep in place with them in terms of ensuring my partner has felt safe and secure in their position (I don't have pic nics with them, that special item is saved for my primary and I don't call any of them Daddy. Just her). I did not expect they would last forever and thus I did not emotionally invest in them as much as I did my primary, whom I wanted to last a life time.

I'm a life time kinda gal. I try.

I've been in polyfidelity relationships and those I really enjoyed. two of them. All of us were sexual and romantically involved with each other and I rarely felt taxed like I do in other relationships. And I really liked the dynamic.

Multiprimaries where everyone has equal time and equal importance... not so much. I'm open to it, but I find it very hard to believe everyone will last (my own shit, me me me). If I can't see it lasting, I won't connect in that deeper way. I can't connect. It's just too hard for me.

I personally can’t see the equal time and energy thing happening with two butch doms who aren’t close friends with each other. All I see is a nightmare of being pulled into two (or more - augh!) directions of competing needs. Shudder.

One person, for me, will always wind up pulling out in front of the other in terms of importance unless I'm in a triangle relationship. I have very limited time and very limited energy and it's just how I work, emotionally. Same goes with friends - the friends who give me more time and energy, the more I will give back to them and with my very limited spare time due to school, if there is competing needs, I'm going to give them to the one I get the most support and care from and that I trust most.

Even in my house I like one cat more than the others. I love them all, but Spakle Pants is my devoted kitteh. She follows me around the house, adores me to smithereens. She gets to sleep on my bed, and because of fighting, which I don't allow on the bed, the others have to sleep in the baskets. One tends to sleep with my flat mate and the others claim the baskets or couches.

These are my flat mates cats by the way.

I play favourites. I love knowing lots of people but if I gave them all my equal attention, I'd weep. Doesn't happen. For me, it's kind of like ballroom dancing... if I practice with one partner more than the others, the skill levels I can reach are much higher as a team. doesnt mean I don't like dancing with others, my best dance partner will be the one I put the most effort, time, practice and energy into.

But that's how I work.

"whoring" around I call "casual dating". Or "free agent"
Sex to me does not mean auto-commitment. I can casually date, have sex with my dates, and not be committed to anyone. That really is how I see casual dating. I was in that head space for almost 3 years after my exwife took off. I wanted friendship and sex and hanging out but no "lets see if we can make this last." It's only been the last person I dated that I wanted to actually make a provisional "lets see what maybe happens, no promises" with. To me that dips a partial toe into a kind of loose form of possible and provisional lower-level quasi-commitment, but with both of us still able to date others. Unfortunately, she wasn't in same headspace. It happens.

Some people call it "free agent poly" but that's just west coast blah blah to me for casual dating and sex.