[Gemme]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Hey Gemme!

This is totally an aside, so please excuse pyjamas.

A couple of years ago I would have agreed with you. However, after a shit ton of work on my codependany stuff, I no longer feel any responsibility for other people's feelings of hurt. Meaning, I understand that something I can say can or do can influence how someone feels, but I feel no responsibility to solve or fix or make things easier/softer for facing up to people's own stuff.

It's really up to someone else to care take their own feelings, especially if I have been estranged from them or I don't know them well.

If my "no response" is what I personally wish to do, I'm well aware this may feel extremely uncomfortable and even painful to the person making an apology. But that is their work to do, and personally, I no longer see it as any of my biz. I feel a lot healthier and happier and emotionally cleaner for it.

That someone who I no longer wish to interact with will be hurt by me not answering a letter of apology? That's ok. They can be hurt. That's their work and pain to figure out. If I am not willing to interact with them, that's just how it is. Sometimes the work is like chewing down on a cup of cold sick. If I can do it, so can they. I have every confidence in their ability to deal with it.

I know that's not quite what you ment. But I think allowing people to feel hurt and not doing things to save them from hurt is not always the best thing to do. A true apology expects no forgiveness or even acknowledgement.

I guess at the root of it I sincerely feel after a no acceptance or aknowledge ment is: The work for them after that point is to forgive themselves and that's nothing I can help with nor any of my biz. And that's harder work than someone else forgiving you.

Thanks for the dialogue, cupcake!

I agree that we are responsible for our own feelings. Totally. We cannot control another's actions, only our reactions to them.

The way I approach stuff like this is not so much to babysit someone else's emotions and feelings but to put myself in their place. If an action feels like I would be hurt, then I try to avoid that. I've left some nasty emotional carbon footprints in my life, so I do my best to minimize that going forward.

I don't look at it like monitoring someone else's stuff, but making sure that my stuff is the way it's supposed to be, for me. We do agree about one thing. It's not about the other person at all, but about us. You and I just have different ways of making that happen for ourselves.