Step Eight: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
For example if I stole or borrowed money from you to get high and never payed you back, I can apologize for doing that, but that's an apology not an amends. If I want to make amends I will give you back the money. That is an amends.
You never make an amends to someone if doing so would harm them or others. You don't go and tell your spouse or your partner that you cheated on them when you were high or drunk or that you had an affair with the neighbor. That just relieves you of your guilt. You need to carry that guilt and don't do anything like that again, that is your amends. You cannot hurt others with your amends.
Direct amends may not be possible for a variety of reasons. An amend has to do with restoring justice as much as possible. The idea is to "restore in a direct way that which we have broken or damaged--or to make restoration in a symbolic way if we can't do it directly."
If you do steps 8 and 9 the way it was meant this is the promise "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace." This is the point of doing your eighth and ninth step. If you are making amends expecting forgiveness then you are doing it for the wrong reason. You have missed something vital. Having others forgive us is not the goal. Not at all. It's not even necessary that the amends be acknowledged, only that it is made. And it should only be made after we have thought long and hard about the possible consequences and talked it over with someone objective, likely our sponsor so we can be clear on our motive for making the amends.
An amends from someone in the Program is to you, but it is not about you at all. When you make an amends you need to be open to any response you get from people you've injured. It's not about manipulating them into forgiving you. And the person given the amends has a right to refuse to participate. Not responding is a perfectly acceptable choice. There is nothing required of you. There is no amends etiquette for the person who is being given an amends.
That said everyone has to do what is comfortable for them. Be true to yourself.
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