[imperfect_cupcake]

Femnadian, I enjoyed that post. I personally do not want amends of any sort from those I have excused myself from. I always leave the door ajar for people to come back unless I have been more than pateint and tolerant (see previous reference to my past codependancy behaviours). That has left me vulnerable to all kinds of binge drinkers, alcoholics, drug addicts, narcissists and all sorts. Because I didn't protect and care for myself first. I always put thoughts about others peoples feelings before my own.

But surely being kind and considering someone else's possible hurt feelings is the right thing to do. Momma always raised me to be a polite girl first, above all else.

Which of course, I inherited a lot of codependancy behaviour from.

I personally do not think knowing your own boundaries, taking care of yourself and doing what's best for you *first* is holding a grudge. Holding a grudge means you are still angry, you want some kind of payment even if it's just that the other person suffers quietly in a mud puddle after being shot onto an asteroid and never to return.

I don't hold grudges. I'm not that kind of person. Occasionally I will feel that way for a while, then I will do my own work, get over myself eventually and move on. However, I have given people in my life far too many third and fourth and fifth chances. If it's one of those people who have given me years of damage, in which it has taken me *years* of work to move on from, or I have put up with narcissistic personality collateral damage... No. They do not get a letter from me. Granted I have only *once* in my whole life had someone ask me for forgiveness and tried to make amends for the damages he caused.

But you can't make amends for the kind of damage that he caused. It just isn't possible. Decades of work was needed on my part to get past many things and other things I just have had to learn to live with, and around, as they are a part of me now. There is no amends. I don't wish him harm. I don't want him to suffer. I hope he is cared for. I know he is loved and for that I am glad. But there is no letter I would answer and no amends to be made. I do not want any form of payment there for I do not believe I hold a grudge and I forgive him as much as is humanly possible, considering what was done to me. I do not want anything at all from him but for him to leave me alone. Period. No contact.

That he may have hurt feelings over that? I'm afraid that is just part of what he will have to work through on his own journey. It is not my concern.

That is why I think if you do answer and say good luck, be extremely clear that you do not wish for them to be in your life at this point. Which will probably hurt. But you need to aknowledge them for your own sense of "what's not hinky" (lol) then do so. Just be very clear you do not want them in your life. If you don't explicitly say that, "I hope you do well and best of luck" doesn't actually say if you want to speak to them or not. Trying to send "polite, unspoken messages to avoid hurt" is what gets a lot of us in trouble (read: me and my past of not being explicit and afraid of being rude and hurtful).

So be blunt. Be clear. And do not leave room for misinterpretation that you will have to deal with later because you were "polite".

IMO.