[chris1life]

I woke up this morning with my heart aching. I've kept myself busy and stayed in the gym trying to ease my mind. This morning was different I hurt. I've gone on dates they don't do anything for me. Everyone I meet I compare to you they don't come close. 12 years of being with and looking at one woman only and now its over. How am I supposed to look at someone else.
I hurt my heart feels like I need to reach in and pull it out to stop this growing ache. I find myself wanting to scream to a God my frustrations. Yes I will eventually find someone else but why do I Have to. I loved her. I stood in front of friends, family and a God I was unsure of to pledge myself, give my vows to one woman forever. I meant it with all of my heart. I stayed through good and bad times. I brought flowers cut grass, cleaned house, took her on trips, worked hard and never cheated. I'm not perfect but there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for her in life or in the bedroom. She took all I had to give and It still wasn't enough.
I always thought I knew her. How am I supposed to love someone else? The anger creeps in and I feel like a different person than I was two weeks ago. Half of my soul feels ripped apart. I cry then I'm pissed that I'm wasting tears. I promised my heart to her. I guess that doesn't mean a damn thing to anyone anymore. I was so in love. For me hadn't faded I loved her as much or more than the first days of our love. I suppose I should have been an ass to her and she would have been crazy in love. She takes with her my every secret And my every desire. I was 22 When we met for me it was love at first sight. She watched and saw all of the struggles I went through and She takes my past with her.
I suppose I should be thankful for what we had but right now I'm not and can't. I wish I'd never trusted someone with my everything. I wish I'd never fell in love. I'm not thankful for what we had Because if I had never had it I wouldn't hurt so damn much. My kids are torn up about it so not only am I struggling with my shattered heart I'm helping them through. I can't have my breakdown and I have to stay strong for them but I'm running on empty.
I know I should want her happy if I really love her and be Happy it wasn't ten years from now but I'm a selfish person right now. I don't want her happy and I don't care that she is finding herself. Hell I was happy I had found myself but she wasn't happy with that. So today I'm here alone this gaping hole in my chest, angry and heart broken. I refuse to answer her text asking how I am. How does she think I am? Does she think its changed from 2 days ago?? My body aches for her touch the way she smelled and tasted.