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imperfect_cupcake · 10-23-2015, 11:39 PM

These days it's very hard to feel sexy outside of the house. Student life of no time or money to look pretty - I have to cut my own hair (and I can't cut hair), massage oil stained gender neutral worn school clothes to do practical labs and study group in, Wearing just hand me downs from my moms friends in the praries (over sized potato sack shapeless clothing in very unflattering shades of brown and grey), no time for make up, wieght gain as the study intensity picks up, working in the clinic till 10pm then getting up at 6:45 and running to school to be there at 8:15 to start all over again, study groups all weekend long...

I feel the most worn out, ugly, unsexy, unattractive I have in four years (when my exwife and I were too poor to eat properly or have any money to even take the bus to socialise). I even had a group of people make fun of the way I look on the train coming home late from clinic the other night.

So it's hard to keep any kind of bodily self esteem up. Instead I am focusing on how much good I am doing for my career, how often I help people stop being in physical pain, how incredibly competent I feel about myself that in NO WAY has ANYTHING to do with what I look like. For the first time in my life as a feminine woman, my value is finally not associated with how I look. But my skills, intelligence and capability.

And I suddenly realise just how suffocating that cage can be - being valued for sex appeal - since I'm no longer in it. Yes, I feel a loss because it's what our value is intrinsically based on: first be pretty and sexy. THEN you can be smart, capable and skilled. But when you arent pretty/sexy *first*?

You have very little social value as a feminine gal. And I FEEL that lack of social value, quite hard.

At least, this is my epiphany. And one I've been told over and over and didn't emotionally understand it till now.

So I'm trying to just be here. And absorb this lesson.

10-23-2015, 11:39 PM	#79
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,727 Times in 1,613 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	These days it's very hard to feel sexy outside of the house. Student life of no time or money to look pretty - I have to cut my own hair (and I can't cut hair), massage oil stained gender neutral worn school clothes to do practical labs and study group in, Wearing just hand me downs from my moms friends in the praries (over sized potato sack shapeless clothing in very unflattering shades of brown and grey), no time for make up, wieght gain as the study intensity picks up, working in the clinic till 10pm then getting up at 6:45 and running to school to be there at 8:15 to start all over again, study groups all weekend long... I feel the most worn out, ugly, unsexy, unattractive I have in four years (when my exwife and I were too poor to eat properly or have any money to even take the bus to socialise). I even had a group of people make fun of the way I look on the train coming home late from clinic the other night. So it's hard to keep any kind of bodily self esteem up. Instead I am focusing on how much good I am doing for my career, how often I help people stop being in physical pain, how incredibly competent I feel about myself that in NO WAY has ANYTHING to do with what I look like. For the first time in my life as a feminine woman, my value is finally not associated with how I look. But my skills, intelligence and capability. And I suddenly realise just how suffocating that cage can be - being valued for sex appeal - since I'm no longer in it. Yes, I feel a loss because it's what our value is intrinsically based on: first be pretty and sexy. THEN you can be smart, capable and skilled. But when you arent pretty/sexy first? You have very little social value as a feminine gal. And I FEEL that lack of social value, quite hard. At least, this is my epiphany. And one I've been told over and over and didn't emotionally understand it till now. So I'm trying to just be here. And absorb this lesson. Last edited by imperfect_cupcake; 10-23-2015 at 11:48 PM.