Quote:
Originally Posted by Metropolis
I'm not sure exactly where I'm going with this, but it feels very linked in to this thread. I experienced sexual assault more than once before I began "appearing" butch in my late teens, after growing into that "butch look" more I'd experienced physical and a lot of verbal assault.
At this time I no longer outwardly appear even close to as butch as I once did, MUCH harder to peg and I have to say I am jaw dropping like staggered at how extremely consistently differently I am treated. Being outwardly butch for decades I was well aware of the stares and slurs and like I said getting in scraps... but I was never aware how many ppl were just remaining silent.
When I walk around now, ppl talk to me, "Hey hot enough for you?"... "Are you my new neighbor?" "Hey looks like that dog is walking you!" lots of joking all the people that smile at me... and just say hello... some ppl did this before, but the difference is like I said, absolutely freaking staggering. I had no idea, even being smack dab in the middle of it (I was "outwardly" butch for over twenty years). In my opinion butches experience a form of double jeopardy... being/females physically and or women and also gender variant and queer. Maybe like triple jeopardy I guess.
Now... today, walking down a lonely street I am more, feel more keenly aware of the risk to me of sexual assault (perhaps just my own perception or ghost of the past haunting me) but feel (hindsightedly) much more aware of the danger of being butch in this world. I can't even feel good about all the "kinder" attention now, I feel guilty when it happens... and I think about all my bro's and sisters out there.
Like I said... I don't know where I'm going with this... kind of rambling out things that have been on my mind, but I'll just say pls be AWARE and be SAFE...
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Thank you for posting this. Certainly resonates with me- in reverse. It wasn't until the past decade that I really came into my butch identity more in terms of outward appearance. Although, I too, have been both sexually and physically assualted in my life and continue to be very aware of vulnerability to rape as a woman, there is a big difference in exactly the things you mention- people (as in "general" public) are much less likely to greet me and say hello or even hold any eye contact. How I am treated by store employees, etc. in stores is different., etc. I have had incidences that I talked about previously happen much more often than when I was just a "regular" lesbian such as name calling and the usual verbal sexual challenges by men. I won't use public transportation alone or late at night anymore.
I felt much safer prior to allowing myself to let the "butch look" just be for myself. There has been a cost even though I know I live in a much more open geographic region in the US.