[SecretAgentMa'am]

I was raised in a small town in Utah. Mormon culture is really strange, and people who don't know the rules are walking through a minefield

*Mormons don't drink alcohol, so you'd better not drink it or even let on that it exists in front of them. When my Mormon relatives came to my apartment, my choices were to hide all the liquor someplace were they'd have to really, really be hunting to find it or let them drive for an hour to get to my apartment only to turn right around and leave again if they saw so much as a bottle of cooking wine. If they're not close relations, they might stay, but they won't be happy about it.

*Coffee and tea are similar. If the Mormons visiting *know* you're not a member, you can get away with having a coffee maker in the house, but don't make any while they're visiting. If you go out to a restaurant, don't order any. If you're visiting their home, don't be surprised if you're offered Kool Aid. Don't even hint that you think that's a drink for children. Accept it and drink it.

*Mormons are totally okay with queer people. Just as long as you never let them find out that you're in a relationship, would ever want to be in a relationship, or have ever had sex or would want to have sex. You can bring your girlfriend along to visit as long as you don't touch each other in any way, and you introduce her as your "friend" or "roommate". If the subject of marriage equality or anything similar comes up, your options are to keep your mouth shut or to talk about how you're working to overcome your "same sex attraction" with the help of Jesus. They're even like you if you're sufficiently apologetic about who you are.

*If you have cause to go to a funeral service in a Mormon church, don't expect to go up and tell a story about how much the deceased meant to you, or how much you'll miss them. Don't expect that the deceased will be mentioned much at all. Funerals are conversion opportunities, they are not for remembering the dead. Unless the deceased was extremely devout, there's a pretty good chance the person giving the eulogy never even met them.

*Mormons expect all members to dress as though they were wearing garments, even if they're too young or don't wear them for some other reason. If you show up at a Mormon social gathering in a tank top, you might as well have walked through the door buck naked. If you're showing cleavage, you may even be asked to cover yourself or leave so the children won't see.

*If you're a woman and a member of your ward asks you for a favor, you say yes. It doesn't matter what the favor is, how inconvenient it is, or how much it will cost you. You say yes. If you say no, you can expect the shunning to start within a week.