Thanks, nycfem! That story of the song lyrics is so sweet and I love the Violent Femmes! It's a shame about both of the estrangements you mention.
Adopted people often struggle with attachment, which can manifest in a lot of different ways. I can so relate to the first cousin you talked about, because I, too, will often hold onto and continue to reference one certain thing that feels like evidence of my connection to someone.
Acknowledging the risk of projection here re: your cousin who estranged herself from her parents: I think it's super easy for some of the many feelings associated with being adopted to get misdirected/twisted up. I think it's one of the risks of trying to simplify a really complicated situation. If an adopted person has not had the experiences in life that lead one to understand that not all negative feelings are someone's fault, I can see how good adoptive parents can end up the target of a lot of anger that they didn't necessarily deserve.
Just to further illustrate what I'm trying to convey, here's an example that most of us have probably experienced: if we find ourselves attracted to or crushing on someone who doesn't reciprocate those feelings, we are likely to feel bad about ourselves/sad/unworthy/rejected/etc. but those feelings aren't the fault of the person we were crushing on (assuming they responded honestly and kindly), it's just a situation that sucks and no one necessarily did anything wrong.
It was very satisfying to me to read your words about your cousins, how you easily acknowledge the differences and lack of things in common, while still expressing love for them and your connections to them. A lot of people feel the need to walk on eggshells around the topic of adoption, and I don't know if this is universal, but for me that has contributed to the feeling of being an alien. As a child, I was sensitive enough to notice that people got kinda nervous and much more careful when the topic of me being adopted came up, but the words that were said to me were all superfluous 'adoption is so SO wonderful and you are SO special!' - it was difficult for my kid brain to reconcile those two things, like if it's so flipping great why does everyone get weird about it?
My mom used to say that she and my dad could have never made a baby as pretty as me, which was sweet, but she has never been able to acknowledge the deeper and more challenging stuff that happened because of our differences. On the other hand, she was such a champion for me with teachers' and others' reactions to my being adopted. I remember more than one of my teachers calling home with concern after I talked openly in class about being adopted, and my mother responding, "So? She is adopted and unless she was disrupting class, I don't see why her talking about it concerns you."
I don't always know if I have a point when I'm talking about all this stuff. Anyway, I appreiate your participation in this thread, nycfem
