as a woman who has never been attractive, i always wonder what people see when they look at me. and then i back up on that thought because there are times when i really dont want to know. there are also times when what people see (or think) when they see me is clearly visible in their expressions.
my father used to tell me (when i would cry about being unattractive) that there was nothing anyone could do to make me feel better about the way i looked except me. to this day i agree with him, but i still havent managed to feel any better about the way i look. what i've managed to do is tell myself "at least i know that when i'm appreciated by someone it's for something more significant than physical attractiveness." my father also used to say something like 'the way you make other people feel is what they'll see when they look at you.' it's a sobering memory today, 35 years later, when i look back on a life not necessarily well lived. there arent
that many people who will 'see' something bad when they think about how i make them feel but there
are some and that's kind of disturbing because i hate the idea of making people feel badly. or maybe it's my ego that hates the idea. regardless, i take comfort in my only saving grace ---> knowing that i didnt put effort into making someone feel badly on purpose.
when i think of how my physical attractiveness (or lack thereof) has changed over the years i realize that with age i have come to appreciate more about myself physically, while at the same time bemoaning the fact that what i have the maturity to appreciate now is being ravaged by gravity.
(translation: i dislike seeing my mother looking back at me when i look in the mirror) but mostly because i dont want to look like anyone else. i want to look like me. (ok. i wouldnt mind looking like Adele for a week ----- just sayin') i'm more able to appreciate a lot of things about myself now, certainly more than i could appreciate 10, 20, 30 years ago when my age automatically gave me a leg up on the cultural attractiveness scale. now that i'm close to 50 i keep crossing my fingers that old and quirky looking fat girls will be "in" soon. i'd like to see women like me be the definition of beauty according to cultural standards, just once.
or maybe, just maybe, it's time for a new culture.