[nycfem]

Uli, I appreciated that you started this thread, and also, in particular the thoughtful way in which you described your thoughts. It was very inclusive and meaningful to me.

Interestingly, all my cousins are adopted. One of them I am estranged from due to a falling out between my dad's side of the family and her parents. It's a shame because she is as nice as can be, a lovely person. She is so different from everyone in our family - not analytical, not neurotic, easygoing, simple- but not in a bad way, just lovely... though perhaps not much to talk about with her, not because she's not smart - she is very smart and successful. I cannot imagine that anyone with our bio family genetics could have ever created someone like her. I miss her but it was just one of those situations where we got caught in a difficult situation with our respective parents fighting. Such a shame. I am older than her and when we were young I used to sing a refrain from a song from by the Violent Femmes "I hear the rain, I hear the rain, got to kill the pain." Well as a little girl she would sing it along with me, the way little kids do. Then when she also became older she would still sing it to me, and we would laugh. It touched me that she would use it as a way to connect to me. She is stunning, very much unlike anyone in my genetic family. In high school she asked to find out the information on her bio parents but my aunt told her that she would need to go to therapy first so she dropped it.

Then I have two cousins on my mothers sides, sisters, though the two are not related to each other. One is in her thirties and a few years ago estranged herself from my aunt and uncle, who are her adoptive parents. It is just shocking. My aunt and uncle were good parents. They are somewhat distant and cold in personality but so was my cousin, so it's not like they had different personalities! My aunt and uncle are very upset about it and don't know what to do. They are hurt, angry, and confused. I still get together with my cousin. She gave some reason for cutting them off due to my aunt not keeping boundaries but the examples she gave were petty. My cousin is indeed cold and if I did not arrange to get together with her, we likely would never see each other, though she is amicable when we do get together. She told me never to cross share any information she shares with me with my aunt and uncle. Her bio mother wrote her a letter that was very nice and invited contact. My cousin barely even read the letter and referred to the bio mother as "stalker."

Her sister, my other cousin, reminds me of the cousin I described from my dad's side of the family. She is simple but also such a good, nice person. Again, not much to talk about with her, but I like her a lot. She is a big gamer and married someone she met on World of Warcraft and moved to Canada and married him. She is a horse jockey. Now, I'm sorry, but NO ONE with my family's genetics would ever be a horse jockey. We would never have those capabilities ever. For many years before the WOW marriage, she lived in a house with a bunch of jockeys in West Virginia who only speak Spanish and she doesn't speak Spanish. She was in a long relationship with one of them that was always fraught with problems. Now she's married to what we all privately refer to as a neanderthal. Still she's happy enough. He has kids from two prior marriages and she is the step-mom. They are very strict with their kids and raise them differently than they would be raised within the genetics of my mom's side of the family. This cousin has a history of lying which I've always been wary of but I like her a lot. She's an outsider. She likes living in very rural Canada. She relates MUCH more to animals than to people. She takes abused, broken horses and turns them into happy winners. She's very close with my aunt and uncle, so at least they have that. My cousin has never asked to get in contact with her bio mother. Her bio mother is known to be mentally ill and to live in London.

I have two step-sons with my husbutch. My husbutch raised the children with her ex-wife who is the biological mother of the children. They used two different donors. One of the boys is a lawyer with a big family, and they are all quite normal, almost to the point of being boring. I am at a loss for conversation with him and his wife. He recently did a 23 and me but I don't think anything special was found out. He was always wishing he had a way to meet his bio parents but I do not think there was a way.

My second step-son is in his twenties and is an unemployed, HIV+, gay, and heavily pierced and tattooed. He is very moody and has had problems emotionally and academically all his life. He is a huge source of stress for us, especially for my husbutch. He lives in Portland, Oregon. I don't think information is available regarding his donor.

When family members are adopted or even from half unknown genetic material (referring to donors in the case of my step-sons), it's always something that is thought about in regard to everything, even if not expressed.

I appreciate the opportunity to have a safe space to have this discussion.