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Old 08-25-2019, 08:01 PM   #15
Femmewench
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I was born April 27, 1959 and once I was discharged from the hospital nursery was placed in the nursery of The Cradle Society which was a non-denominational adoption agency in Evanston, Il. (Appropos of nothing, Bob Hope and his wife adopted their three children from this agency.)

Two month later I was placed with my parents. For reference, my parents are the people who raised me. Birth mother and birth father are the people responsible for creating me.

Being 1959 this was a closed adoption. My birth certificate actually lists the medical examiner as the doctor who delivered me.

My parents were always open about the fact that I was adopted. They stressed that they were able to decide to get me (not true, they got the next one available basically,) but I knew they meant it.

Three years and 2 days after I was born, my brother was left at a hospital with a note asking that he be placed with The Cradle Society and given to a Catholic family. Two months after his birth, my parents brought him home.

I always wanted to know about my birth parents. My brother never did. In Illinois, they created a law in the late 70s (I think) which allowed an adoption agency to act as the intermediary between parent and child if both wished contact. My mother took me to The Cradle that year and I filled out the paperwork.

Fast forward 20 years, and I had checked in with The Cradle Society as I did every five or so years and this time my file was on a social worker's desk. I got to talk to that social worker about why my file was on her desk. My birth mother had updated some family medical information. I was stunned and asked if my birth mother had signed the consent form for contact. She hadn't. I asked the social worker if I could write a letter to my birth mother and send it to The Cradle for delivery. She said I could, but it was up to my birth mother whether she would receive the letter.

A couple of anxious weeks later, my birth mother and I spoke on the phone. One of the things she told me which shocked me was that she'd always thought I was a still birth and that she'd signed the paperwork so they wouldn't have to tell her I died. The social worker said that was the experience of a surprising number of birth mothers. I guess it's a coping mechanism so you don't wonder every day if your child is okay.

Long story short, all I really needed from my birth mother was to hear her say: "I never wanted to give you up. I knew I couldn't give you what a married couple could."

The other thing I really hoped was that she and my birth father hadn't gotten married later and had kids. They hadn't.

As she was then homeless (with a master's degree in gerontology) and estranged from 2 of her 3 children (I don't count myself among them,) I knew I didn't want to maintain contact with her (cold and true.) We exchanged pictures and in looking at one I was wanting to send to her, I realized it was her oldest daughter and not me. We looked very alike.

Her telling me that she never wanted to give me up was the cause of a paradigm shift for me. I had always framed my adoption as "I wasn't good enough to keep." Amazing what a change just a few words can make.

Oh and my mother who was so supportive when I first wanted to register to be put in contact with my birth mother? Wigged the hell out when it came about. She was sure she was going to be replaced as mom by this woman. Didn't happen - my mother had her own issues, but I knew those!
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