Good morning fellow PTSDers.
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Originally Posted by Braedon
Oh if only I could tell everyone here how many times I've looked in the mirror and said to Myself "your ugly, your unworthy, your worthless, you don't deserve a damn thing so why would you even think that you do?" etc. I look at people in general on a daily basis and want to live vicariously through them, and with many people around Me I tend to do just that. I see friends and family with good solid careers, cars, houses, marriages, anything that a person could ever want and then I look at Myself ......... no career (not even a job), overweight, still living at home at almost 30 yrs old, nothing to My name but some material possessions, a male trapped in a female's body etc and it simply disgusts Me.
I never wanted to be visible when I was younger, but unfotunately being overweight I was always visible (and not in a good way). My peers constantly put Me down for being fat; they would call Me names (hippo, elephant etc), stomp their feet or shake lockers when I walked by like I was gonna cause an earthquake, knocked My books out of My hands, threw things at Me in class when the teachers were gone, just anything to make My life a living hell. And then there is My father, and we could be here forever discussing his negative impact on My life from age 13 until this very day ............
He constantly calls Me a lazy ass, making sure that I know he thinks I'm worthless and wont ever amount to a hill of beans. My depression/panic/anxiety attacks he figures are My excuse to sit at home and do nothing (which isn't true, since he has no idea what its like), its his way or the highway ~ don't like what he says (and because its HIS place and HE pays the bills etc) there is the door dont let it hit your ass on the way out. I'm constantly having to justify Myself to him; whatever I do he has to know about and says he wants to know about My day, but all he wants to do is criticize Me for what I have (or haven't) done.
This is My vent/rant for the day, thanks for listening and I'm glad that we all have this space here for this very purpose (and to know that we all support one another because we know what others are going through) 
Andrew, if you get to read this just know that I count you as oe of My closest friends and I admire you for always speaking your mind no matter what
I certainly speak My mind the way Andrew often does, only because I'm always so worried about what others may say or how they may react ........ I gotta work on that!!!!
I remember going from school to school alot when I was younger and wanting to be invisible so no one would see Me, but with being overweight unfortunately I was seen too much and it just made My teenage years horrible ............ I still try and be invisible because its what I'm used to and its like a blanket, its My shield and I feel most comfortable being like a "ghost"
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I totally get this. I have always been overweight too and was always the new kid being teased as a kid. I also am AS so I don't even "get" a lot of the jokes.
My father said the same things to me. That I was worthless, that I would never amount to anything.....ad nauseum.
30 was my watershed year. I hated my life and started to make teeny improvements. To this day when I feel like I have not accomplished enough in my life, I make myself decide that as long as I have made any improvement I am doing great. Even if it is making a list or a phone call I need to.
One of the best things I ever did was get away from my father. I was finally strong enough at 35. I wrote him a letter about how it made me want to die when he did not treat me with respect and that unless he could do that I was gone. I never saw him again. Before that, I kept thinking it was me somehow and that if I could act right, he would change.
I am on meds now and they do make me even more overweight than I used to be, but I have reached a certain peace with that. So damn what? I am fat. My father and grandmother would always tell me I was "bigger than a barn" or to not wear red cause I "looked like a barn", all for my own good of course...not sure what the barn fixation was about either?
I feel like a ghost sometimes too, especially if for some reason my meds are interrupted or intercepted...like right now, I spent a couple of weeks on steroids for ashtma and my mind is not right.
I refuse to have anything to do with anyone who is not positive. Not at work, not at home, not in my friendships.
I want you to know that you are not alone and that things can get better. That every day is a new fresh start. You can be who you want to be.
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Originally Posted by LittleShug
Yeah yeah!!!! I saw the Crafters thread had donated a basket giveaway. This is something we could do together as a group if you all would like to....I'm sure we could fill up our own basket giveaway, and I for one have the perfect items for relaxing...some spa products to pamper yourself on those days when you need a little pampering...(a pick me up, if you will)...how does that sound? This could be fun!
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Yeay! I think I Will make a great relaxation CD and get some grown up coloring books and colored pencils. When I am spun out this always helps. Would you like to spearhead the project??
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Originally Posted by Braedon
I could make a small cross-stitch picture and maybe frame it too for someone to put up in their house
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I think that would be wonderful! Grin!
I hope everyone has a good day and that we each do one positive thing for ourselves today.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox