Quote:
Originally Posted by Jar
You're doing the best you can and you have a big heart like me. You're in a tough place and she yanks that guilt cord. If it's any consolation I would've done the same as you have .... Really sorry Dee
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Jar, you have no idea how much these words to me. Truly. i feel like no one gets me, and everyone thinks i am just stupid for doing this, again. Thank you.
i feel all i hear is *close your door, lock her out, tell her to go home, set her straight, don't do this don't do that, TELL her ... " especially from those who would never speak to her this way, like my sister.
and although all those things are the logical thing to do, they are not who i am.Maybe that's why i am in this situation. i feel i can do all those things and not in a way that makes things worse.
When i explore WHY i do this *thing* with her, and i do, i know its because of my upbringing, wanting that acceptance, but i am here now, i have to live with myself, and for me i have to figure out a way to make this work so i am not completely insane, and its one day at a time. New challenges everyday with her.
i came home today from work, and closed my door (signal for stay out!) and spent a while just being home and also sending a message that i am not available 24/7. The whole time i knew she was back there waiting for me to open the door. i am trying to train myself not to think about that and just *be*. THat is the part i am struggling with.
After two hours i texted her to tell her that she could come over and watch tv with me if she wanted to. No reply and she was in the door within 15 seconds.
i basically have to kick her out every single night to give myself time before bed. It feels like i am kicking her out, because going to her place is pretty much the worst punishment in the world.
Its hard to live this way, but i have faith that it will get better and we can get through this.