[sylvie]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

(((((sylvie))))) i'm sorry your father is so petty and cruel.

i agree with dark_crystal about putting distance between you and your father. You mentioned taking care of him since you were a child. That was never your job. He's an adult and, since you mentioned a stepmother, is married and has a wife to take care of him.

It's OK to let go of him and take care of yourself instead...heaven knows you are worth it!

mmmhmm, it's been a shock to her system since i've been letting go, lately.. She isn't liking that it's all on her, she was much happy to have me take care of him so she didn't have to.. i always felt a sense of duty since i've been doing it since the age of 8 years old pretty much, maybe a lil earlier.. but just lately, a lot of anger surfaced within me about his alcoholism and how much it runs my life.. i'm a single mother of two teenagers and it's been difficult to keep them, myself AND my father afloat.. Not the last time but the time before he was hospitalized, the doctor took me aside and told me flat out that what i had been doing all these years was enabling him.. i didn't see it as such, but since then and over the course of of this year, i've been seeing it more & more..

The last hospital visit not that long ago, i rushed him in (my stepmother called and asked me to) and i contemplated it and then told myself, this is it.. i'll take him, i will try getting him the help he needs and it's up to him if he takes it or not.. i will stand behind him IF he accepts the help, but if he doesn't, then i take care of me only....

he did not take the help, and both my stepmother and him make excuses why he can't do treatment.. my father doesn't work, he hasn't worked in years and years and really, he 'could' do treatment - he went to three AA meetings, and has decided that that was all he needed.. i hope it IS all he needed, but after 45 years of heavy drinking, i find it hard to believe..

Anyway, all this to say, i no longer enable him, i no longer even ASK about the drinking, none of that.. so i've walked away from that part of his life, however now i am dealing with his anger.. and i think the reason for it is because he sees me, trying to help myself and he has no desire to help himself, so he sets me up to fail...

So yes, i really do need to step away from it all, sad that i live about 2 blocks away from him, so i'm apt to bump into him here there and everywhere, but i need to stop tolerating his crap.. No bringing the no no foods in this house, and if he cant stop doing it, i wont go to HIS house.. i no longer call him, and if he calls me and he's in a mood, i tell him i have to go, and i'm not arguing with him..

He could quite very well be the biggest trigger i have right now..
Yesterday, i had a very bad day, he laughs at me, it makes me crazy.. i told the children no more sharing with him about my struggles, if he asks, tell him to ask me and shrug it off.. i have no problem telling him to quit it and leave me be..

i think the largest emotional struggle for me about letting go of my father, is that he isn't healthy whatsoever.. his heart problems, his liver function, his alcoholism, his high blood pressure, and every other little thing he takes medication for.. He just looks unhealthy, he doesn't take care of himself, eat healthy or exercise.. and i'm scared that if i push him away and something happens to him that i lose him, will i live with constant guilt for not doing it?

So now, i just go day to day, i push im out of my days and i just hope with all my might that he'll be okay the next day - and the next day and the next day - and i'm figuring ways to deal with that whole guilt thing i have going on.. a friend suggested some books to me in some email exchanges, and i think once i am finished the reads i am reading now, i just may pick a couple of those up - i know the guilt i feel isn't healthy, and that this is his problem, that i am taking on something i shouldn't.. he should be taking care of himself, as well as my stepmother, and i know that he's killing himself slowly, because that is his choice.. how does my guilt fit in there?? i have NO clue.. difficult to figure it out - because deep down, i'm seeing it's not on me..

Anyway, i know this is slightly unrelated - however it all ties in to why i am working on letting my father go so i can really stop dealing with that trigger, because it's making me crazy and making this so much more difficult for me..

So today - i need to just stop.. no more phonecalls.. no more anything... if he can't be nice, i need to let go for my own sake and sanity..

thanks for the advice and gentle push girls.. Though i already started letting go in ways, i really needed to see how toxic this parent is for my recovery... makes me sad, but i can work through sadness.. i just hope he picks himself off and DOES take care of himself from here on..